Coffeehouse Tunes, Late Nights & Future Roadtrips

Anyone who reads my online writing often knows that every May brings a "end of the academic year" post.

The past few days, the idea of writing another just fourteen weeks from now is terrifying. These posts consist of an update of what I have been up to since the previous May and what I am planning to do with my summer. I have even considered pretending that my life fell into a black hole and ceased to exist from May to December. That would be nice. At this point, I would also have to leave off my "summer" plans. They are no longer plans for a summer, but the beginning of plans for my life. And I'm not really sure where that is taking me right now.

For a current update, an entry from your trusty Moleskine journal:

[Monday, January 10, 2011]

"I start to worry how all of this will turn out,but remember that God is so faithful. He holds my existance in the palm of his hand. God, thank you for being big and perfect. For holding my life together when nothing makes sense to me. I praise you for your perfection and sovereignty. Thank you for the peace you instill in my heart. For comforting me. For already knowing the plans of my life. I find such peace and comfort in knowing you are not botherd by worrying at the unfolding of all of this. You are beautiful. Perfect. All powerful. All knowing. The Great Comforter. My friend. My father. Thank you. I love you."

Want to know how my life feels?

Listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4TBarr5l9k

Amy Stroup- Backed Into The Corner.

God is blessing me this weekened with a little trip to relax in a town I may one day call home.

Wish me luck.

Shoeboxes and Phone Calls

James Morrison - "Pieces Don't Fit Anymore"


That is my anthem of this break. Oh, does it hurt, but its one of those songs where another person wrote words that describe exactly how I feel. Its such a good feeling. To look for words to describe something, then hear a song that is every single thought you have had.

There is a line/word in that song that captures how I have been feeling of late: "It's time to surrender...its been too long pretending. Its no use in trying, when the pieces don't fit anymore."

That is a sobering line. It hurts and feels so freeing. Merriam Webster defines surrender as "to give one self up into the power of another."

That is what happened over this break. I was broken. My whole world and life plans seemed to fall all around. I had to surrender. I tried to hold the pieces and put them back together as they were all crumbling. And I was breaking, as well.

So, I surrendered. I cried out to God with a broken heart. I got to a point with no hope, no light, no future. It was so heavy, I didn't know how to get out from underneath it. But God was there. With a beautiful feeling of hope. I new kind of hope I have experience. It was not a sunshiny, happy hope. It was hope that I could survive. That He would help me get out of bed. That He knew where I would be 6 months from now. It was this still quiet voice that said, "I know. I know, it hurts. I have a plan. I promise. Shhh....its okay.I am here. I love you. You are not broken. I am here. I am your Father and I love you so so much."

This is the experience I woke up to on Christmas morning. I would not have wished for it. It hurt so much. But God has blessed me with two weeks of healing. To be home and with family. To not talk about things. To be with old friends. To cry about everything.


Currently, he has given me the amazing man I call my friend, Joey. We are learning some very hard lessons from this experience. I don't know about him, but I'm struggling through a lot of tears. We are talking out our pain and fears and dreams....we are healing. The last thing I want is for him to end up the "bad guy." He is such a wonderful friend to me. I am literally heartbroken that we got to this point, but I believe God has a plan for each of us. Joey will make an amazing husband to a woman some day. In a way like never before, I truly wish someone well as we part ways in life. I can't wait to see where God takes each of us.

I know we will look back on all of this and smile at what we thought it was, but praise God for his perfection in shaping us into just what He wants us to be.

God is so wonderful. He is teaching us every single day. We are learning to lean on him, rather than anyone else. It is such a sweet time.