2012. Messy room. Loud music. Fresh Air.

Its 2012. 

Its been a year. 

Its an amazing what things become the mile markers in your life. Last year, it would have been graduation, my wedding, or moving to Oklahoma. But those mile markers faded...called off engagement, summer in Marshall, moving to Tyler, starting MBA and big life lessons became the mile markers I use to gauge the time that is passing.

A year ago, I started by confessing confident resolutions ("Live each day to the fullest and really enjoy this life."), dusting myself off, and keeping my head down in fear that one more thing might fall apart if I watched. But it has been a beautiful year. There has never been a more shaping and life-altering year. I started at rock bottom with nowhere to go but UP. A few things I am proud of for this year:

Graduating from ETBU.
Living by myself in my tiny dream 1st apartment.
Working all summer as a waitress and spending my evenings with phenomenal people.
Dating some idiots that made life seem far too short to waste time like that again.
Moving to a strange town into an apartment with 3 other girls.
Making friends.
Going out and dancing.
Making friends with strangers like never before.
Putting on my dancing shoes often.
Joining CrossFit GymFed.
Quitting my job b/c I was unhappy.
Finding a job that I am excited to go to EVERY single Monday morning.
Doing more crafts than in my entire life before.
Cooking all the time.
Sleeping in my big bed all by myself.
Buying quality make up and clothes.
Saving paychecks, as well as treating myself well.
Reading a ton of books.
Spending more time in the moment and less behind the camera.
Finishing my first semester of my MBA program with a 4.0!
Feeling quieter and calmer than ever before.

This New Years Eve was a pretty good one. I was laughing and in a dress that made me feel like I belonged in a trendy magazine, with shoes that I used to dream of feeling cool enough to wear. (Not to mention, I've let my hair grow to a length that past lack of patience would never allow.) I was with some wonderful friends who know my heart and a lot who barely know the edges of my story. But as midnight struck, I had a conversation that caused little things to slow down dramatically and bring to light a resolution. Its not as clear cut as last years, but my heart knows what it means and has started following.

"Stop paying so much attention to other people around you. This is your life. Do what is right in your heart. Do what makes you happy. If you do that, none of the other stuff matters."

Here's to a resolution that makes my heart flutter after only one day. I know its right for me. And I know it will bring untold joy into my life. I just have to stop looking around at the circumstance so much, and look into my heart for what is right for me. That is when I will find the peace we all search for. The peace that slowly sinks into my life a little more as each year passes. Here's to another year. A beautiful year.

Day 2 of Thankfulness: My Teeny-Tiny Brain

Today, I am thankful for my brain. I have been struggling through Statistics this semester. I have realized that taking a higher level math course during college would have made things much easier...but since I did not choose to do so, I have been struggling my way through this semester's graduate level math course. It sucks.

But today I was awakened by the truth that I have the ability to do this. It isn't too difficult. It is going to take a few more weeks of hard work, but I can do it.

Today's thankfulness is simple. But it feels like a success.

Day 1 of 31 Days of Thankfulness

I am taking a break at work and reading back over the past months. Really? Its been 11 months since my engagement was called off? Some days, it feels like yesterday. And others, I look at where I am and wonder who the young girl planning a wedding even was. I didn't plan on stay in East Texas after graduation. I didn't plan on going to graduate school. I had never been to Cross Fit. And I knew nothing about wealth management.

And now, this is the life I am living. I'm awake at 4:40am to head to my 5:15am work out class. I put on professional clothes every morning and head to the office. (More on that in a moment.) I go home from work and spend hours reading text books and taking exams.

It is amazing where God has brought me in such a short time. Here are some things I have done since moving to Tyler, TX:

Got a (giant) new tattoo
Started my MBA
Made a few amazing girl friends
Started eating/cooking Paleo
Joined Cross Fit (www.gymfedcrossfit.com)
Got a job at a private investment firm
Gave my 2 weeks notice at private investment firm
Started interview process at new investment firm
Met an amazing guy that has shown me around, taken me on some awesome dates, surprised me, & treated me like I've never experienced
I was in tears as I read over my past blog posts. Old feelings came rushing back. I remembered the heartbreak of loss. I laughed at myself. I remembered the lessons I had so quickly forgotten. Most of all, I was thankful. I was thankful for the things I have learned...the people I have met...the things I have experience...and the grace that has gotten me through every step of the journey.

This seems like an appropriate way to begin my month of Thankfulness posts. I've sucked at posting. And (like every blogger who slacks at blogging will tell you) I am going to start posting more. Not because I think anyone is learning any amazing lesson from it...but because I am so blessed when I look back at where I have come from.

Happy Month of Thankfulness!
Jackie

They call this an epiphany.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Who is the girl who filled the pages before the one on which I write?

She has been through incredible ups and downs.

She has praised God in triumph and heartbreak. She has run from Him when ashamed...or just too busy and content to notice Him.

She sometimes read Bible verses as they were veins through which her blood pumped...and some days like a foreign language transcribed from another century.

She used to be afraid of growing up. She now alives alone...no long riding the bus to school.

She didn't feel like she would ever grow up. Now, she calls her dad and talks of interest rates and mail forwarding.

She just knew the world would end if she was 22 and unmarried. She has no idea that 22 felt so young, and no where near the weight of responsibility that forever comes with.

She created an "after graduation" plan that involved reading many books and not thinking about a carreer or continuing her education. She just signed a lease on an apartment located between her new office and the university where she will begin her MBA this fall.

She wrote in her journals for years, waiting for the epiphany to leak out of a ball point pen.

She has come to realize the epiphany comes while pouring over the pages and seeing how little she knew, how much she has learned, and again...how little she knows.

Beauty is in the eye...

This week's major goal-setting had to do with getting my workout and health-conscious eating on track. This was a great week and I was introduced to a new iPhone app along the way too!

MyFitnessPal is a wonderful tool I have used to stay aware of what I am eating. I answered some question about my current weight, lifestyle and goals (as well as a healthy timeline for the goals) and it calculates my approximate daily caloric intake to meet my goals.

HERE COMES THE BEST PART!

MyFitnessPal has a database of millions of food items from restaurants and grocery stores, as well as any grocery item you could think of. It also reads barcodes and pulls up the exact item you have purchased to eat/drink.

Only eat half of your EasyMac? Not a problem!! The program let's you enter how many servings you consumed.

Can't pull the item up but you have the nutritional info? Just enter the amount under "Quick Calories."

When you're done with your daily workout, just look it up under "Cardio" or "Strength" workouts. If you're running, it give you various speeds and "mph" measurements. The calories you've worked off are subtracted from your Daily Net Calories.

(I like this because if i don't have time to work out, I'm still able to look at how I can eat that day to stay on track to my goals!)

The most encouraging part: At the end of the day, you "close out" your food dairy and it gives you some (hopefully good) news: "Congrats! If every day is like today, you will weigh ______ by your goal date!"

Being able to see what I'm working on and know my progress is worth the effort makes me want to stick with this life-style changing plan.

I know I've only lost one pound this week, if that, but I can't help feeling like a total hottie when I get home from my run. I'm working hard and persevering. That's worth it all.

Book Review - "Quitter" by Jon Acuff

My first book was a good book. I will say, it was a poor choice on my part to choose this as my first read of the project. As an avid reader, a shelf full of classics beckoned me as a began this book. I chose to start with this book because I reasoned any book a pre-ordered must be rather pertinent to me, so I put it first on the shelf.

If you are currently in a job or career that you dred getting up for in the morning, this book is for you. If you have a passion for something you do on the weekends or evenings after work, this book is for you. If you've always wondered why you can't do something you love (that you are also GREAT at) for the rest of your life, this book is for.

When I was months away from graduation, I answered Jon's call for people that considered them "I'm....but..." people. I wrote and told him "I'm a college student, but I want to travel." Not exactly the answer he was looking for, but a dream none the less.

Jon has compiled the stories of his readers and friends, as well as a large section of his own experiences, on the subject of "closing the gap between your day job & your dream job." Because I am in what I know is only a temporary day job right while I am looking for future dream jobs, I didn't find this book as applicable as I thought I might. Rather than saying, "Oh, I feel relieved that someone else out there feels trapped in their day job," I felt like I was reading the advice of other people more experienced in the work field. I was able to read and say, "I will not put myself in a position that I hate to get out of bed every day for work. I will carefully choose a career that I can find joy in on a daily basis. I want a job that I am passionate about."

I would suggest this book to anyone who is asking the quesstions I mentioned above. I would also suggest this to anyone who, like me, is afraid of the career world. This book will not soothe your fears but equip you with realistic advice on how to enter the "grown up" world of day jobs, careers, and dream jobs.

Stay posted. The next 2 books are rather exciting. :)

Frozen Yogurt & Peaceful Salutations

Today, I spent the afternoon shopping and eating frozen yogurt with Sarah. We watched a documentary and a romance film. We went grocery shopping.

And said, "Guys suck. They are so dumb!" over and over again.

I have yet again learned the lesson of getting too close to someone before they deserve it. I didn't fall in love or anything, but I had those really long heartfelt conversations with someone that didn't deserve to know anything about my heart yet. I told secrets I should have kept to myself and shared little inside jokes that I should have waited for.

If you would have asked me at fifteen, I would have told you I would have had men (as well as love, marriage, sex, and my career) figured out by the age of twenty-two. It just seemed so obvious when I was in high school that life would make enormous sense when I was walking about this planet proudly displaying my college degree. Today, nothing seemed further from the truth. Rather than crying to my sister and chatting with my friends on AIM about my awful encounter, I sat at my best friends house and listed good reasons to get over it and enjoy my summer/life with a lesson learned behind me.

What I realized today was not a lesson learned, but an epiphany of a moral quality that I have grown into. I didn't wish him anything negative. I actually said, "I'm trying not to be angry, because I want you to have what makes you happy. Just trying to deal in my own way, ya know?" Re-playing those words in my head, today is not a failure but a monumental success. I have grown away from the "I hate men" attitude I once held when things didn't go the way I imagined them and have realized I have a long life ahead of me. I took it all with a grain of salt and wished him well in future endeavors, though they would not involve me.

Here's to lessons learned. Here's to growing up. Here's to letting go of the things that don't bring us joy and moving towards a more complete fullfilling life.

Most of all, here is to going to bed with a peaceful heart and mind.