It is a new year. Well, not right now. Its still currently 2010. But in my life, it is a new year. Just 17 days ago, I wrote a post about my future husband and my dreams for us. And today, I am sitting at the computer cancelling registries and emailing wedding vendors. In just 17 days, a new year/life/step/journey has begun. And, oh my, is it scary.
It is the strangest feeling in the world. One that makes everything feel like it is falling apart, but in the next breath that maybe its all just now coming together. To one day see someone you are planning on calling your husband, and wake up the next day trying to figure out how to explain things to the "guest list." (And that's another thing. Best friends turn into Maids of Honor. Wonderful moms turn into Mothers-in-law. And friends and family become guests.)
And I stared at the ceiling wondering what this all meant. What do I do when my plan didn't work? What was I supposed to do when my marriage was indefinately postponed? What was I supposed to do when my fiance and I decide to take space and not speak for two months?
It was in that moment, I understood. Its not about me. It never has been. It took hours of riding all over Texas in the past week, listening to really loud music and just being with my thoughts to realize/remember that little truth. God didn't create me so that I could get to a certain point and get on with my life. He created me to glorify Him. He created me to love him more than anything I could possibly understand. He created me to be able to be away from this man and still be whole, complete, and secure. And I'm not all of those things right now.
But God has a big, beautiful plan that He designed for me. I am clinging to that truth. My plan may be all messed up right now, but HIS plan is going just right. God is not surprised by any of this. He is not sitting on His throne trying to figure out what to do next with my life. He is so good. I continue to tell myself that again and again. God is good.
So, here is my new year. It is not easy right now. There's a young man I miss more than I ever thought possible. And at some moments, it feels like there is no way this can be the right thing to do. But I get in the car, roll down the windows, and turn up the radio. I get out of bed, pick up my Bible, and start writing how I feel in my journal. I call up a friend and make a trip to Starbucks to just be out of the house. But most of all, I just close my eyes and thank God for the beautiful story He is writing. Though I don't understand. Though it hurts. Though it feels like a mountain I will never be able to climb. I thank Him. I praise Him. Because...
He is good.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
"Serve God, love me, and mend. This is not the end."
God was just making sure I was paying attention. I get it...He is absolutely and totally in charge of my life. As this semester comes to an end, I am having the realization that I am just months away from walking across that stage and no longer being a student. Wow.
Just weeks after that, I will stand on the next important stage of life and vow to spend the rest of my life with a wonderful man, in front of all of our friends and family. I am caught off guard by how God is so wonderfully and all-knowingly in control of every aspect of my life. I cannot believe He brought me to this wonderful man.
The way I know this is love, you ask? Joey challenges me every single day, and I him. God is using him to make me a more complete person. I don't believe God brought Joey into my life to complete me but to daily hold a mirror in front of my face and say, "Look at who you are. You are not an island. You actions affect those around you. You are held responsible to more than just yourself." Its such a beautiful/painful/amazing/awful/exhausting/worthwhile process. I can't run away from life. I can't drop out of college when it gets hard. I can't just quit. This isn't a pet or a childhood playmate. This is a forever bond.
As each day passes, Joey and I begin to realize what that means. I don't think one can really understand the realities of forever until it begins to fall into place. Of course I think about our wedding day, but I no longer day dream of that day. I day dream of eating dinner on the couch together after painfully long days at work. I day dream of trying to convince each other that "its your turn to wash the dishes!!" I day dream of the simple blessing of being less than 6 hours away from this wonderful man. Some mornings, when Joey calls to wake me up for class, I am caught of guard and I will say something silly such as, "Joey, in five months we are going to wake up and get ready for work together. And come home to the same place at the end of the day. That's crazy. I wish it were today."
There is no doubt in my mind that this beautiful relationship is a gift placed in my hands my God himself. He has loaned me his very unique loved one and asked me to care for him. He has asked me to worry more about his needs than my own. He has asked me to love him more than I love myself. Most of all, God has ask me to follow this man and trust that He will lead Joey in every step of the way. I can stand and say I love and trust God's will, but its when he asks me to put my future in the hands of a soldier that the rubber hits the road.
I hope and wish and pray and strive to be worthy of this. If I try every single day, I never will be. As God granted me the beautiful gift of salvation that I can never earn, God has given me another gift I couldn't have earned or been good enough to deserve. But God's grace is all-covering. He took two broken, unworthy people and said, "Love him/her. My grace covers all of your past flaws. I will be here. I will protect you. I will guide you. Don't follow your own path, but mine. I am holding you. This is the person to walk with through this life."
My prayer: I pray that we are a glimpse of God's love and grace into the lives of those who encounter us. I pray we learn to love each other more the way that Christ first loved us, while we were still sinners.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Mix it up...Life is short.
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life ... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." -Thoreau
Today, I got a phone call from Joey with some interesting news. A change in our life plan is probably coming and it is really exciting. (Don't worry, we're still getting married.)
Our original plan:
Get married in May 2011. Live in Lawton and Joey continues to do the same job he is currently doing. I work as a florist, until June 2012 when Joey would re-up his contract and we would try to move to Germany for a little while.
The plan we started discussing today:
Get married in May 2011. Live in Lawton while Joey does the same job. (He was just presented with a possible opportunity to change his MOS, otherwise known as the exact job he does.) Then, we could move to San Antonio as soon as August/September for Joey's new AIT. His training would be 24ish weeks long, another blessing I will detail in a second. Also, after his training was complete, we would get to move somewhere else new!
Joey and I have been discussing him changing his MOS, but one thing that was difficult for us was idea of him going to AIT. In normal circumstances, a spouse can not move with a soldier when he leaves for AIT. The exception for the rule is if training is going to be more than 20 weeks. Since Joey would be in training for about 24 weeks, I would get to move with him, rather than staying in Lawton.
Before Joey and I started dating, I dreamed of graduating and getting to travel. I just want to meet new people and experience new things in life. When he got stationed in Lawton, we took it as a blessing that we would be so close to each other, but it was hard to accept that I would be living in Lawton for a year. I had big dreams. But we knew God was calling us to marriage and I knew He would be faithful. And look where He whispers, "I love you. I told you I would take care of you," just three months later.
I'm so thankful I have a wonderful fiance who includes me in these decisions. He doesn't have to. He could plan his career and duty station choices without asking me anything, but he is so amazing. I respect how hard he works everyday and it is amazing to see how diligently he works, regardless of the fact that this may not have been the exact job he would have chosen for himself. He works hard towards the future and leads confidently. I never thought life would lead me to spending my life with a soldier, but there is no where else in the world I would rather be.
Keep us in your prayers as we continue to plan and follow where God leads us.
Today, I got a phone call from Joey with some interesting news. A change in our life plan is probably coming and it is really exciting. (Don't worry, we're still getting married.)
Our original plan:
Get married in May 2011. Live in Lawton and Joey continues to do the same job he is currently doing. I work as a florist, until June 2012 when Joey would re-up his contract and we would try to move to Germany for a little while.
The plan we started discussing today:
Get married in May 2011. Live in Lawton while Joey does the same job. (He was just presented with a possible opportunity to change his MOS, otherwise known as the exact job he does.) Then, we could move to San Antonio as soon as August/September for Joey's new AIT. His training would be 24ish weeks long, another blessing I will detail in a second. Also, after his training was complete, we would get to move somewhere else new!
Joey and I have been discussing him changing his MOS, but one thing that was difficult for us was idea of him going to AIT. In normal circumstances, a spouse can not move with a soldier when he leaves for AIT. The exception for the rule is if training is going to be more than 20 weeks. Since Joey would be in training for about 24 weeks, I would get to move with him, rather than staying in Lawton.
Before Joey and I started dating, I dreamed of graduating and getting to travel. I just want to meet new people and experience new things in life. When he got stationed in Lawton, we took it as a blessing that we would be so close to each other, but it was hard to accept that I would be living in Lawton for a year. I had big dreams. But we knew God was calling us to marriage and I knew He would be faithful. And look where He whispers, "I love you. I told you I would take care of you," just three months later.
I'm so thankful I have a wonderful fiance who includes me in these decisions. He doesn't have to. He could plan his career and duty station choices without asking me anything, but he is so amazing. I respect how hard he works everyday and it is amazing to see how diligently he works, regardless of the fact that this may not have been the exact job he would have chosen for himself. He works hard towards the future and leads confidently. I never thought life would lead me to spending my life with a soldier, but there is no where else in the world I would rather be.
Keep us in your prayers as we continue to plan and follow where God leads us.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Learning How To Be Married
I thought I would follow up my promise to blog more by actually doing so. Life has been really good lately. Joey and I just got from a weekend marriage retreat. We went to Oklahoma City (or "The City" as Oklahomans call it) and spent a wonderful weekend at the Marriot, in separate Rooms of course. It was such a blessing to get a weekend away and be able to focus on our future together. Some people have jokingly asked if I still want to marry him after this weekend and I have never been ao such of something in my life. We spent 48 hours asking hard questions and learning tough lessons but the weekend ends with a mature conversation on the way him where we disagreed and loved/accepted each other through the conversation.
(By the way, I'd you're looking for a marriage conference to attend, or a beautiful gift to give an engaged couple, check out www.familylife.org)
Wedding planning has been put on the backburner lately as school and work has been so busy. Joey's mom has also been super duper busy, so we are all taking everything one step at a time. School has been super harsh lately but I have tries to accept that I have to get through the next 7 months and I want to do it well.
If anyone wants to assist in wedding planning and crafts, I am happily accepting helpers. Humbly, I might add. Lol. That's something I am working on. I know not everyone wants to read it, but I amazon in love with the man that God has given me. He is tAking steps every single day to love me more and showing me a beautiful pictie of Christ in the Leslie we learn together. He is making a daily effort to change things of the past and encouraging me to do the same, so we can enter our marriage (7 months from now) with clean hearts and clear minds....as we take on the responsibility of being a mirror thats hinds the love Christ showed for his Bride.
Kep us in your prayers and I continually pray that we will be an encouragement. And inspirationto every one of you we come into contact with on a daily basis.
Thank you for reading (and for joining us through this journey)
(By the way, I'd you're looking for a marriage conference to attend, or a beautiful gift to give an engaged couple, check out www.familylife.org)
Wedding planning has been put on the backburner lately as school and work has been so busy. Joey's mom has also been super duper busy, so we are all taking everything one step at a time. School has been super harsh lately but I have tries to accept that I have to get through the next 7 months and I want to do it well.
If anyone wants to assist in wedding planning and crafts, I am happily accepting helpers. Humbly, I might add. Lol. That's something I am working on. I know not everyone wants to read it, but I amazon in love with the man that God has given me. He is tAking steps every single day to love me more and showing me a beautiful pictie of Christ in the Leslie we learn together. He is making a daily effort to change things of the past and encouraging me to do the same, so we can enter our marriage (7 months from now) with clean hearts and clear minds....as we take on the responsibility of being a mirror thats hinds the love Christ showed for his Bride.
Kep us in your prayers and I continually pray that we will be an encouragement. And inspirationto every one of you we come into contact with on a daily basis.
Thank you for reading (and for joining us through this journey)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Growing up is hard to do. (but worth it)
Its been about a month since I wrote about Joey's proposal. Oh, what a month it has been! God has been moving in some amazing ways in such a short time.
My sweet oldest sister had a precious baby boy, Liam Benjamin. Due to some crazy committments and car troubles, I have not been able to get home to hold that tiny baby boy. I get to see him in 5 wonderful days and I absolutely cannot wait.
I have gotten to experience the opening of a church in Marshall called Oxygen. Check it out: http://www.letsjustbreathe.org I have been able to take on the responsibility for praying for people every day, and it has been a wonderful learning experience. It is such a blessing to meet with friends (and new people) every Sunday night to worship God and learn about how to share His love with others.
I have gotten to visit Lawton and spent time at the church Joey & I will attend when we get married. It was such a sweet time to see a beautiful old building full of such life. New Haven is so full of life and joy. Every single person there was so kind and loving to me. I cannot wait to be married and attend New Haven with my future husband.
There have also been a lot of lessons learned in the last month. Some I can now laugh at and some are still hard to swallow. But, because I truly believe the lessons I have learned could help others, I will share:
1. "The things you own will end up owning you." That's a quote from Fight Club, a favorite of both mine and Joey's. But it was a reality check after 4 hours of gift registering at Bed, Bath & Beyond. The things we registered for are just that...THINGS. They don't matter. It doesn't matter if we have Emeril or Calaphalon cookware. It doesn't matter what color our sheets or towels are. I will feel comforted at night because I will be with my husband, NOT because of the print or color on the sheets. (Also, if you don't like the stuff, you can just buy new things after a few years.)
2. Grace is difficult. Until I was engaged, I thought I knew about grace. My acceptance of God's grace has slowly started to make an impact on the grace I show Joey. He is loving and kind, but when he fails...I am still called to love him. That is so much easier said than done.
3. Love is good. Its beautiful & changing every single day. It makes me smile to know I will get to spend the rest of my life with Joey. Its not always easy, but its so worth all of the hard work. Every single day, I learn new lessons in love. And I can't wait for a lifetime of daily lessons.
I'm going to start writing more often. (Probably posting a lot about the wedding planning!) FUN!!
My sweet oldest sister had a precious baby boy, Liam Benjamin. Due to some crazy committments and car troubles, I have not been able to get home to hold that tiny baby boy. I get to see him in 5 wonderful days and I absolutely cannot wait.
I have gotten to experience the opening of a church in Marshall called Oxygen. Check it out: http://www.letsjustbreathe.org I have been able to take on the responsibility for praying for people every day, and it has been a wonderful learning experience. It is such a blessing to meet with friends (and new people) every Sunday night to worship God and learn about how to share His love with others.
I have gotten to visit Lawton and spent time at the church Joey & I will attend when we get married. It was such a sweet time to see a beautiful old building full of such life. New Haven is so full of life and joy. Every single person there was so kind and loving to me. I cannot wait to be married and attend New Haven with my future husband.
There have also been a lot of lessons learned in the last month. Some I can now laugh at and some are still hard to swallow. But, because I truly believe the lessons I have learned could help others, I will share:
1. "The things you own will end up owning you." That's a quote from Fight Club, a favorite of both mine and Joey's. But it was a reality check after 4 hours of gift registering at Bed, Bath & Beyond. The things we registered for are just that...THINGS. They don't matter. It doesn't matter if we have Emeril or Calaphalon cookware. It doesn't matter what color our sheets or towels are. I will feel comforted at night because I will be with my husband, NOT because of the print or color on the sheets. (Also, if you don't like the stuff, you can just buy new things after a few years.)
2. Grace is difficult. Until I was engaged, I thought I knew about grace. My acceptance of God's grace has slowly started to make an impact on the grace I show Joey. He is loving and kind, but when he fails...I am still called to love him. That is so much easier said than done.
3. Love is good. Its beautiful & changing every single day. It makes me smile to know I will get to spend the rest of my life with Joey. Its not always easy, but its so worth all of the hard work. Every single day, I learn new lessons in love. And I can't wait for a lifetime of daily lessons.
I'm going to start writing more often. (Probably posting a lot about the wedding planning!) FUN!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Story (where my boyfriend became my fiance)
The plans I made for my summer were drastically different from the ones God had laid ahead of me. 3 months ago, I was planning on working at a florist in the Houston area while living with my mom. I wanted to take it easy and just have a summer of fun. Todays marks 3 months of officially dating the man I will call my husband.
Joey & I met (a little over) 2 years ago when we both worked at Sky Ranch. I introduced myself to him and when I shook his hand and he said, "My name is Joey," I immediately replied with a typical answer for the girl I was 2 years ago: "Oh, you're going to love me. People named Joey always love me." While I thought this
would make an impression, it wasn't the wonderful impression I thought I had left. (Joey may or may not have told more than a few people that I was crazy and told him he would love me.)
Our friendship grew throughout the summer, as we were in "brother-sister" weekly bible study groups. Joey listened to me ramble through more than a few stories. He also refrained from telling me to shut up, most of the time. Haha. Joey let me ride to Wal-Mart with him the night of his 21st birthday, and just one short car ride and a walk around the store later, we realized how much we had in common. From the very beginning, we were not afraid to be ourselves around one another. We had superficial surface details in common, as well as similar lifelong passions. We began a friendship that would grow into God's beautiful plans for the future. There were a share of crazy moments, as each of us had a lot of growing up to do. It would have been a lie, but each of us would have said we didn't want a relationship back then. Things just didn't seem to ever fall together.
During a mini-roadtrip to Tulsa, OK with a girl friend, I stopped in to visit Joey and watch a Cowboys game. While watching the game, I learned about ice storms, as I was told my Joey's mom that I would have to stay in the guest room and leave in the morning. As Mrs. Duffy & I drank coffee the next morning, I was fascinated with what a wonderful mom she was and how well she loved her boys. There were so many things I saw ini her personality that I hoped I could be as a wife and mother. As Joey rushed me out the door, I looked forward to another chance to visit again.
Our second summer at Sky, we both branched out and made our own separate friends. We talked from time to time, which proved a good picture of God's power in each of our lives. Joey would pop into my office from time to time to crack a joke or leave an encouraging note on my desk. As the summer ended, we wished each other well.
We talked on and off throughout the next year, and when Joey told me he would be enlisting in the army, I was not happy about the idea. He called me one day in April and when I picked up, he said, "Hi, Will you marry me?" This is an ongoing joke between the two of us. The night we went to Wal-Mart, I decided we had too much in common to not get married. From time to time, we make jokes and ask each other if we would like to get married. I replied with the usual: "I'm busy today, but maybe tomorrow would work." We talked about him leaving for basic training and he asked if I would start writing him letters, because it was his only means of communication while in BCT. I told him I would and we talked a couple more times before he left.
My first letter to Joey was about four pages long and laid out all the reasons I loved our friendship, as well as all of the reasons I was against a long-distance military relationship. I (anxiously) awaited my first letter, in which Joey listed so many things he missed about me, our friendship, and a short list of reasons I should consider marrying him. We spent the next 12 weeks writing letters. I wrote every single day and nearly ran to the mailbox hoping for a letter each morning. He wrote as often as he could while training. He would call for a few minutes on Sunday afternoons, and update me on how he was holding up as well as informing me of the plans God continued to lay on his heart for our relationship. (It was amazing to see how God laid out the same plans in the hearts of two people so far away and with no contact but letters.) The end of BCT was coming and I had already arranged to visit Fort Sill in Lawton, OK for the weekend to see Joey graduate and catch up with his family. He called me on May 25th and finally asked me what I meant when I signed my letters "I love you." He told me he loved me too and he knew this was where God wanted us to be. I went to Lawton to see Joey graduate, never so proud to see a group of soldiers in my life. Tears well up in my eyes every time I heard him talk about God's calling for him to serve in the U.S. Army. He has such pride in the commitment he has made to serve.
He went to AIT (still at Fort Sill) and we continued to grow and discuss where God was leading this. I had no doubt in my mind, this was the man that God had for my life.
Hello All. This is everyone's favorite fiance, Joey. I am highjacking this post to finish it up! Time for some style, suspense, salutations and maybe even some romance...if time allows. So as things between me and Jackie became more serious, I realized that I loved this girl and wanted to spend my life with her. So not long after we picked out a ring, I began planning a proposal. Not really having any idea where to begin, I enlisted the help of one of Jackie's closest friends, Ellie. All I knew was that Jackie wanted pictures of the actual event so I started there. Ellie and I decided that we would convince Jackie we were all going to take pictures and then I would suprise her.
I began hammerinig down details, lines, props and the whole mess. I also simualtaneously began to lie to Jackie (as all good proposals begin) telling her I would probably propose sometime after Christmas, the next time I knew I would get time off to see her. (She bought it.) Ellie began to also drive home the idea of December, so the lady was convinced. As August 20th rolled around (the predestined date to meet her whole family) I began to step up the lying, that the ring was getting resized, that I didn't want to take pictures with her and Ellie (An idea which Jackie introduced to me as her idea. Man it was great!) I traveled to Baytown, met the family and friends, and kept thinking of reasons to get away from Jackie so i could show everyone the ring in my car, and tell them the whole plan. Saturday came and I met and talked to her father. (That great talk that every young man looks forward to having one day.) Once I recieved his blessing, I knew it was time to move forward. Sunday morning rolled around. I was nervous and quite (and oddity for all who know me) We get to the waterfront (Jackie's backyard) and set up for pictures. I tookseveral of her and Ellie first. This totally destroyed her suspscions that a proposal might be happening. (Plus she was looking out for the box that the ring came in.) I was of course prepared with the ring in my pocket. After a pleathera of "best friend pictures", Jackie and I began our pictures. After quite a few I got down on a knee to give her flowers we had bought earlier. I then claimed to have a call and reached in my pocket. The entire time Jackie, oblivous to the world, continuously tries to sit on my lap, and becomes confused/irritated when I keep pushing her away. Finially I got the ring out. She immediatly stopped talking. I don't remember what I said in the moment, but I am sure it was poetically brillant, full of great metaphors and alliteration. I wrapped it up with the mandatory, "Will you marry me?" She said "Yes." I said, "Really?" and she laughs and said "Yes." I then inform her that the pictures were my idea and that Ellie had been a willing participant all along. She was totally suprised and it was a great success. Rock and Roll
Jackie again. Thank you to all of our friends and family for your love and congrats the last few days. It has been a whirlwind of epic heights. We can't wait to see where and how God leads this journey. We can only remember that He is good and does all things for his glory. Wish us luck as we continue this journey and begin planning our life together.
Love love love,
Jackie & Joey
Joey & I met (a little over) 2 years ago when we both worked at Sky Ranch. I introduced myself to him and when I shook his hand and he said, "My name is Joey," I immediately replied with a typical answer for the girl I was 2 years ago: "Oh, you're going to love me. People named Joey always love me." While I thought this
would make an impression, it wasn't the wonderful impression I thought I had left. (Joey may or may not have told more than a few people that I was crazy and told him he would love me.)
Our friendship grew throughout the summer, as we were in "brother-sister" weekly bible study groups. Joey listened to me ramble through more than a few stories. He also refrained from telling me to shut up, most of the time. Haha. Joey let me ride to Wal-Mart with him the night of his 21st birthday, and just one short car ride and a walk around the store later, we realized how much we had in common. From the very beginning, we were not afraid to be ourselves around one another. We had superficial surface details in common, as well as similar lifelong passions. We began a friendship that would grow into God's beautiful plans for the future. There were a share of crazy moments, as each of us had a lot of growing up to do. It would have been a lie, but each of us would have said we didn't want a relationship back then. Things just didn't seem to ever fall together.
During a mini-roadtrip to Tulsa, OK with a girl friend, I stopped in to visit Joey and watch a Cowboys game. While watching the game, I learned about ice storms, as I was told my Joey's mom that I would have to stay in the guest room and leave in the morning. As Mrs. Duffy & I drank coffee the next morning, I was fascinated with what a wonderful mom she was and how well she loved her boys. There were so many things I saw ini her personality that I hoped I could be as a wife and mother. As Joey rushed me out the door, I looked forward to another chance to visit again.
Our second summer at Sky, we both branched out and made our own separate friends. We talked from time to time, which proved a good picture of God's power in each of our lives. Joey would pop into my office from time to time to crack a joke or leave an encouraging note on my desk. As the summer ended, we wished each other well.
We talked on and off throughout the next year, and when Joey told me he would be enlisting in the army, I was not happy about the idea. He called me one day in April and when I picked up, he said, "Hi, Will you marry me?" This is an ongoing joke between the two of us. The night we went to Wal-Mart, I decided we had too much in common to not get married. From time to time, we make jokes and ask each other if we would like to get married. I replied with the usual: "I'm busy today, but maybe tomorrow would work." We talked about him leaving for basic training and he asked if I would start writing him letters, because it was his only means of communication while in BCT. I told him I would and we talked a couple more times before he left.
My first letter to Joey was about four pages long and laid out all the reasons I loved our friendship, as well as all of the reasons I was against a long-distance military relationship. I (anxiously) awaited my first letter, in which Joey listed so many things he missed about me, our friendship, and a short list of reasons I should consider marrying him. We spent the next 12 weeks writing letters. I wrote every single day and nearly ran to the mailbox hoping for a letter each morning. He wrote as often as he could while training. He would call for a few minutes on Sunday afternoons, and update me on how he was holding up as well as informing me of the plans God continued to lay on his heart for our relationship. (It was amazing to see how God laid out the same plans in the hearts of two people so far away and with no contact but letters.) The end of BCT was coming and I had already arranged to visit Fort Sill in Lawton, OK for the weekend to see Joey graduate and catch up with his family. He called me on May 25th and finally asked me what I meant when I signed my letters "I love you." He told me he loved me too and he knew this was where God wanted us to be. I went to Lawton to see Joey graduate, never so proud to see a group of soldiers in my life. Tears well up in my eyes every time I heard him talk about God's calling for him to serve in the U.S. Army. He has such pride in the commitment he has made to serve.
He went to AIT (still at Fort Sill) and we continued to grow and discuss where God was leading this. I had no doubt in my mind, this was the man that God had for my life.
Hello All. This is everyone's favorite fiance, Joey. I am highjacking this post to finish it up! Time for some style, suspense, salutations and maybe even some romance...if time allows. So as things between me and Jackie became more serious, I realized that I loved this girl and wanted to spend my life with her. So not long after we picked out a ring, I began planning a proposal. Not really having any idea where to begin, I enlisted the help of one of Jackie's closest friends, Ellie. All I knew was that Jackie wanted pictures of the actual event so I started there. Ellie and I decided that we would convince Jackie we were all going to take pictures and then I would suprise her.
I began hammerinig down details, lines, props and the whole mess. I also simualtaneously began to lie to Jackie (as all good proposals begin) telling her I would probably propose sometime after Christmas, the next time I knew I would get time off to see her. (She bought it.) Ellie began to also drive home the idea of December, so the lady was convinced. As August 20th rolled around (the predestined date to meet her whole family) I began to step up the lying, that the ring was getting resized, that I didn't want to take pictures with her and Ellie (An idea which Jackie introduced to me as her idea. Man it was great!) I traveled to Baytown, met the family and friends, and kept thinking of reasons to get away from Jackie so i could show everyone the ring in my car, and tell them the whole plan. Saturday came and I met and talked to her father. (That great talk that every young man looks forward to having one day.) Once I recieved his blessing, I knew it was time to move forward. Sunday morning rolled around. I was nervous and quite (and oddity for all who know me) We get to the waterfront (Jackie's backyard) and set up for pictures. I tookseveral of her and Ellie first. This totally destroyed her suspscions that a proposal might be happening. (Plus she was looking out for the box that the ring came in.) I was of course prepared with the ring in my pocket. After a pleathera of "best friend pictures", Jackie and I began our pictures. After quite a few I got down on a knee to give her flowers we had bought earlier. I then claimed to have a call and reached in my pocket. The entire time Jackie, oblivous to the world, continuously tries to sit on my lap, and becomes confused/irritated when I keep pushing her away. Finially I got the ring out. She immediatly stopped talking. I don't remember what I said in the moment, but I am sure it was poetically brillant, full of great metaphors and alliteration. I wrapped it up with the mandatory, "Will you marry me?" She said "Yes." I said, "Really?" and she laughs and said "Yes." I then inform her that the pictures were my idea and that Ellie had been a willing participant all along. She was totally suprised and it was a great success. Rock and Roll
Jackie again. Thank you to all of our friends and family for your love and congrats the last few days. It has been a whirlwind of epic heights. We can't wait to see where and how God leads this journey. We can only remember that He is good and does all things for his glory. Wish us luck as we continue this journey and begin planning our life together.
Love love love,
Jackie & Joey
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
My Third Year of College/Update/Thank-you
Dear family, friends, teachers, professors, and the others most important to me,
It is that time of year again. It has been 3 years at this beautiful place of East Texas Baptist University. Every time I sit down to write this down, I am in awe of the time that has so swiftly flown right by me. Just as with the previous, this year has been full of beauty, triumph, grace, battles, failure, loss, and everything inbetween.
I ended my last letter ready to go spend one more beautiful summer at Sky Ranch...and what a blessing it was. To start the summer, I ran through a maze of names and people to discover that my Senior Counselor and co-pilot would be none other than Miss Bailey Delp. (More on the excitement that ensued in a moment). Bailey and I were in the same mentor group the summer before and she has just been such an inspiration and is a beautiful sister in Christ. This was an answered prayer from God, as I prayed for a group of girls that would become friends as well as co-counselors. We were then blessed with Alana, Amy & Kassidy. The five of us are so very different but became very close friends. Alana has a nurturing, graceful spirit that I have never seen in someone my age. Amy has an eye for beauty that is so awesome. (I should have known that Doug's little sis would be such a cool girl.) Kassidy has such a sensitive heart and just knew how to love those little girls with just the right word. Our summer was full of adventure. In more modern words, one would say that we were cursed. Proof: 2 knocked out teeth, 1 broken foot, 1 broken wrist, 1 separated shoulder, and a crazy pinched nerve. That was just between the five counselors. Let us not talk about the beauty of Lice Chaos 2009. It was in a moment of having to lice shampoo every little girl and counselor in our cabin on the deck of our cabin that I saw the face of God. Walking with a little girl the next day, I was able to ask her if she remembered what we talked about during our much delayed 9pm bible study that night. She said, "Yes. About how Jesus died to save us. And I prayed that prayer you talked about and told Jesus I want him in my life. You said I could pray it in bed by myself, right?" Wow. When I was sitting and soaking up the chaos, God was moving THROUGH the chaos. Did I mention that the same boy that God used to bring us bottled water and peace during every moment of chaos, Jeff Green, was also the same boy that came and swept our little Bailey off her feet. I remember when she got back from their first "not date" and talked about how awesome he was, and how they discussed how God has just made them so content in being single. Its so awesome how God just blesses those who willingly serve Him with no hesitation.
I came back to ETBU in the fall to begin my role as Vice President in Delta Pi Theta and also working for the Russell family. I was given the opportunity work for a family and live with them as well. It was such an amazing time to spend with Galen and Michelle. Their family is more loving and appreciative than most I have met in life. They immediately welcomed me into their home in a time in which I was feeling further away from home than ever before. I had the honor of planning Delta Pi Theta's Alumni Tailgate Party. It was a huge task, but one that went off with only a hitch or two with the help of the 7 beautiful officers I served with. This fall was a time of learning and growing. My classes weren't too difficult, but I think that is because God knew this would be a time of learning more about who He is calling me to be. I learned how to enjoy peace and quiet, as well as how to love the ones I am called to love.
During Christmas break, I spent a few days at home and looked back at the past year again. (If you're interested, the note is on my page.)
This semester has been amazing. I celebrated 21 years of life with some wonderful friends in the city of Shreveport, Louisiana. I made my own birthday cake and in the midst of that, discovered a new talent/passion of mine. I realized that with the pressures of taking 19 hours in school, serving as Vice President for Delta, and being on the Debate team...it was time to leave my job with the Russell family. It felt like moving away from home all over again. But God immediately provided me with a growing friendship with Brit. She is my roommate and we've been friends, but this semester has just been a blast, as well as a blessing to watch her and Stephen grow together. In February, I was out to dinner with a friend and he asked me, "If you could do anything with your life, without hesitation, what would it be?" I didn't have an answer for him but called him a week later and yelped, "A florist! I would be a florist. I have always loved it and I would love to do that." As I left working for the Russell family, I called every florist in Marshall and one was hiring. I went in to "audition" and I was awful. I saw ribbons and roses and forgot everything I have learned about flowers. But Janice offered me the job and it has been amazing. I have gone into work every day excited about what I will be doing. I have worked with four mother-like women and learned how to be quiet and learn from others. I have discovered my creative desires. All those years that I watched my sister paint and draw while wishing I could do the same...and I found my artistic love!
As the summer begins, I will take one class during May and continue working at Rainbow Floral and leave for the summer, only to return to my job in August. I am going to return home for a beautiful summer with my family. It has been far too long since I spent a summer and I can't wait. I got a job at Nasa Flowers just a mile away from my mom's, where I will be staying for the summer. It has been so cool to call and talk to her through the semester and hang up the phone saying, "I can't wait till this summer!" God has blessed me with such an amazing friend in my mom and I can't wait to continue to explore who He created each of us to be as we share a summer. (Not to mention hanging with my sisters and step-dad.)
Finally, God has begun laying a passion on my heart. I am called to love Him first and then love others. God has begun to explain to me what that looks like. I am learning how to love others, even when it isn't easy. And I beginning to see how my faith is empty if I don't ACT on it. I have also realized the fire He has lit in my heart for travelling. One short trip to see my very best friend, Ellie, in Colorado and it is more affirmed than ever before. I am prayerfully pursuing a path He is laying out in front of me as a finish my last year of college. I have some ideas of the direction, but I'm going to let Him solidify it before I go shouting it from the rooftops. (Something I def want to do.)
As usual, I end this letter with thanks. Thank you to Sky Ranch, for being a place of growth and truth. I get so exSKYted when I meet the newbies for this summer. They're a great bunch. Thank you to Delta, both the members and the officers. It has been a blessing and I am so thankful for all the love I can share with you ladies every Wednesday night and beyond. Thank you to my beautiful Kayla, Sarah, Brit, Emilee, Lindsey, Janelle, and all the other beautiful ladies that have made a way into my heart and life this year. You have reminded me, once again, of the beauty of community. Ellie, thank you for being the best friend that every girl dreams of. For showing me around your beautiful town and just the heart you have for others. I am so thankful every day for a best friend like you. I learn from you, even when you think I don't notice. Thank you to the professors that continually push me to be more than I think I can be. It is your loving guidance that got me the gradepoint average, knowledge, and passion for learning that I now have. Thank you to the friends and family at home. You keep me grounded and constantly pull me closer and closer to home, even when I feel so far away. (And Michael, for being a wonderful young man that I praise God for everytime I see the ways He continues to grow you in the land of Australia. Come home?)
I end with the same verse as in December and say, let's praise God and then tell others what he is doing in our lives.
"You rule from Zion, Lord, and we sing about you to let the nations know everything you have done."
Psalm 9:11
CEV
It is that time of year again. It has been 3 years at this beautiful place of East Texas Baptist University. Every time I sit down to write this down, I am in awe of the time that has so swiftly flown right by me. Just as with the previous, this year has been full of beauty, triumph, grace, battles, failure, loss, and everything inbetween.
I ended my last letter ready to go spend one more beautiful summer at Sky Ranch...and what a blessing it was. To start the summer, I ran through a maze of names and people to discover that my Senior Counselor and co-pilot would be none other than Miss Bailey Delp. (More on the excitement that ensued in a moment). Bailey and I were in the same mentor group the summer before and she has just been such an inspiration and is a beautiful sister in Christ. This was an answered prayer from God, as I prayed for a group of girls that would become friends as well as co-counselors. We were then blessed with Alana, Amy & Kassidy. The five of us are so very different but became very close friends. Alana has a nurturing, graceful spirit that I have never seen in someone my age. Amy has an eye for beauty that is so awesome. (I should have known that Doug's little sis would be such a cool girl.) Kassidy has such a sensitive heart and just knew how to love those little girls with just the right word. Our summer was full of adventure. In more modern words, one would say that we were cursed. Proof: 2 knocked out teeth, 1 broken foot, 1 broken wrist, 1 separated shoulder, and a crazy pinched nerve. That was just between the five counselors. Let us not talk about the beauty of Lice Chaos 2009. It was in a moment of having to lice shampoo every little girl and counselor in our cabin on the deck of our cabin that I saw the face of God. Walking with a little girl the next day, I was able to ask her if she remembered what we talked about during our much delayed 9pm bible study that night. She said, "Yes. About how Jesus died to save us. And I prayed that prayer you talked about and told Jesus I want him in my life. You said I could pray it in bed by myself, right?" Wow. When I was sitting and soaking up the chaos, God was moving THROUGH the chaos. Did I mention that the same boy that God used to bring us bottled water and peace during every moment of chaos, Jeff Green, was also the same boy that came and swept our little Bailey off her feet. I remember when she got back from their first "not date" and talked about how awesome he was, and how they discussed how God has just made them so content in being single. Its so awesome how God just blesses those who willingly serve Him with no hesitation.
I came back to ETBU in the fall to begin my role as Vice President in Delta Pi Theta and also working for the Russell family. I was given the opportunity work for a family and live with them as well. It was such an amazing time to spend with Galen and Michelle. Their family is more loving and appreciative than most I have met in life. They immediately welcomed me into their home in a time in which I was feeling further away from home than ever before. I had the honor of planning Delta Pi Theta's Alumni Tailgate Party. It was a huge task, but one that went off with only a hitch or two with the help of the 7 beautiful officers I served with. This fall was a time of learning and growing. My classes weren't too difficult, but I think that is because God knew this would be a time of learning more about who He is calling me to be. I learned how to enjoy peace and quiet, as well as how to love the ones I am called to love.
During Christmas break, I spent a few days at home and looked back at the past year again. (If you're interested, the note is on my page.)
This semester has been amazing. I celebrated 21 years of life with some wonderful friends in the city of Shreveport, Louisiana. I made my own birthday cake and in the midst of that, discovered a new talent/passion of mine. I realized that with the pressures of taking 19 hours in school, serving as Vice President for Delta, and being on the Debate team...it was time to leave my job with the Russell family. It felt like moving away from home all over again. But God immediately provided me with a growing friendship with Brit. She is my roommate and we've been friends, but this semester has just been a blast, as well as a blessing to watch her and Stephen grow together. In February, I was out to dinner with a friend and he asked me, "If you could do anything with your life, without hesitation, what would it be?" I didn't have an answer for him but called him a week later and yelped, "A florist! I would be a florist. I have always loved it and I would love to do that." As I left working for the Russell family, I called every florist in Marshall and one was hiring. I went in to "audition" and I was awful. I saw ribbons and roses and forgot everything I have learned about flowers. But Janice offered me the job and it has been amazing. I have gone into work every day excited about what I will be doing. I have worked with four mother-like women and learned how to be quiet and learn from others. I have discovered my creative desires. All those years that I watched my sister paint and draw while wishing I could do the same...and I found my artistic love!
As the summer begins, I will take one class during May and continue working at Rainbow Floral and leave for the summer, only to return to my job in August. I am going to return home for a beautiful summer with my family. It has been far too long since I spent a summer and I can't wait. I got a job at Nasa Flowers just a mile away from my mom's, where I will be staying for the summer. It has been so cool to call and talk to her through the semester and hang up the phone saying, "I can't wait till this summer!" God has blessed me with such an amazing friend in my mom and I can't wait to continue to explore who He created each of us to be as we share a summer. (Not to mention hanging with my sisters and step-dad.)
Finally, God has begun laying a passion on my heart. I am called to love Him first and then love others. God has begun to explain to me what that looks like. I am learning how to love others, even when it isn't easy. And I beginning to see how my faith is empty if I don't ACT on it. I have also realized the fire He has lit in my heart for travelling. One short trip to see my very best friend, Ellie, in Colorado and it is more affirmed than ever before. I am prayerfully pursuing a path He is laying out in front of me as a finish my last year of college. I have some ideas of the direction, but I'm going to let Him solidify it before I go shouting it from the rooftops. (Something I def want to do.)
As usual, I end this letter with thanks. Thank you to Sky Ranch, for being a place of growth and truth. I get so exSKYted when I meet the newbies for this summer. They're a great bunch. Thank you to Delta, both the members and the officers. It has been a blessing and I am so thankful for all the love I can share with you ladies every Wednesday night and beyond. Thank you to my beautiful Kayla, Sarah, Brit, Emilee, Lindsey, Janelle, and all the other beautiful ladies that have made a way into my heart and life this year. You have reminded me, once again, of the beauty of community. Ellie, thank you for being the best friend that every girl dreams of. For showing me around your beautiful town and just the heart you have for others. I am so thankful every day for a best friend like you. I learn from you, even when you think I don't notice. Thank you to the professors that continually push me to be more than I think I can be. It is your loving guidance that got me the gradepoint average, knowledge, and passion for learning that I now have. Thank you to the friends and family at home. You keep me grounded and constantly pull me closer and closer to home, even when I feel so far away. (And Michael, for being a wonderful young man that I praise God for everytime I see the ways He continues to grow you in the land of Australia. Come home?)
I end with the same verse as in December and say, let's praise God and then tell others what he is doing in our lives.
"You rule from Zion, Lord, and we sing about you to let the nations know everything you have done."
Psalm 9:11
CEV
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
How's THAT for living?
One hundred thirty.
That's how many minutes I spent on the phone with my mom last night. Part of the wonder at that is the fact that I placed the call at 10:34pm.
I called my mom to inform her that I was investing in a hammock to sleep in during the summer while I live with her. While I thought I should let her know, part of the reason I called was because I figured she would have a good laugh over the idea. The words out of her mouth: "Oh, that's SO cool! Sonny (my step-dad) and I have been discussing getting an air mattress so we can sleep on our balcony during the summer!"
I should have known at this point that we would spend a couple hours catching up and pouring out of hearts, ideas, burdens, questions, dreams, etc.
Most of our heart to heart could be summed up in one word: "Why?"
I have just been pondering life and the meaning of it and thought..."Why do I have to get a career after I graduate?" If I'm lucky, I could live to be 80 years old. That means I have already lived over a quarter of my life.
In Jon Krakauer's 1996 novel "Into The Wild," the main character is quoted, "Mr. Franz I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one." We discussed how much of what the character did in this story was running aware from reality and trying to prove something to those around him. But he had such a good point in this line. WHY? Even if I graduate with my degree and don't get a career, I will still have seen my time here as important and very valuable. In his semi-autobiographical novel, "Through Painted Deserts," Donald Miller writes, "Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons." And that is what I have done. I left and I am ready to go back for the summer to work and love my home for all new reasons.
I just finished one of Donald Miller's newer books, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."
VERY intriguing idea: "The thing I never realized while I was studying marketing was the process of advertising products is, in many ways, a manipulation of the elements of story (life). It's like I was telling you about an inciting incident disrupting the stability of a character's life, throwing him or her into a story. Advertising does exactly this. We watch a commerical with a new Volvo, and suddently we feel our life isn't as content as it once was. Our life doesn't have the new Vovlo. And we begin the story of buying it, only to repeat the story with a new weed eater and then a new home stereo. And it goes on for a lifetime. When the credits roll, we wonder what we did with our lives, and what was the meaning. The ambitions we will become the stories we live. If you want to know what a person's story is about, just ask them what they want. If we don't want anything, we are living boring stories, and if we want a Roomba vacuum cleaner, we are living stupid stories. If it won't work in a story, it won't work in life."
I have made the decision to stop listening to the commercials. I don't need to be a size 3, or even a size 7 for that matter. I don't need to be unnaturally dark skinned. I don't need fake contacts or highlights. I don't need a new teapot because it has a nice floral print and would look good on my shelf.
My life is NOT the things I have, it is the things I do/experience/enjoy.
I have more thoughts on this...but I am going to walk away from the computer and experience some more life.
Today's experience: Sitting in a local independent bookstore reading and conversing with two retired men about life and good music. Ate chopped BBQ sandwiches with them. 7 holes of golf. Laid in a hammock.
How's that for living life?
"Well, its almost 1am. I'm going to go to bed..."
That's how many minutes I spent on the phone with my mom last night. Part of the wonder at that is the fact that I placed the call at 10:34pm.
I called my mom to inform her that I was investing in a hammock to sleep in during the summer while I live with her. While I thought I should let her know, part of the reason I called was because I figured she would have a good laugh over the idea. The words out of her mouth: "Oh, that's SO cool! Sonny (my step-dad) and I have been discussing getting an air mattress so we can sleep on our balcony during the summer!"
I should have known at this point that we would spend a couple hours catching up and pouring out of hearts, ideas, burdens, questions, dreams, etc.
Most of our heart to heart could be summed up in one word: "Why?"
I have just been pondering life and the meaning of it and thought..."Why do I have to get a career after I graduate?" If I'm lucky, I could live to be 80 years old. That means I have already lived over a quarter of my life.
In Jon Krakauer's 1996 novel "Into The Wild," the main character is quoted, "Mr. Franz I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one." We discussed how much of what the character did in this story was running aware from reality and trying to prove something to those around him. But he had such a good point in this line. WHY? Even if I graduate with my degree and don't get a career, I will still have seen my time here as important and very valuable. In his semi-autobiographical novel, "Through Painted Deserts," Donald Miller writes, "Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons." And that is what I have done. I left and I am ready to go back for the summer to work and love my home for all new reasons.
I just finished one of Donald Miller's newer books, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."
VERY intriguing idea: "The thing I never realized while I was studying marketing was the process of advertising products is, in many ways, a manipulation of the elements of story (life). It's like I was telling you about an inciting incident disrupting the stability of a character's life, throwing him or her into a story. Advertising does exactly this. We watch a commerical with a new Volvo, and suddently we feel our life isn't as content as it once was. Our life doesn't have the new Vovlo. And we begin the story of buying it, only to repeat the story with a new weed eater and then a new home stereo. And it goes on for a lifetime. When the credits roll, we wonder what we did with our lives, and what was the meaning. The ambitions we will become the stories we live. If you want to know what a person's story is about, just ask them what they want. If we don't want anything, we are living boring stories, and if we want a Roomba vacuum cleaner, we are living stupid stories. If it won't work in a story, it won't work in life."
I have made the decision to stop listening to the commercials. I don't need to be a size 3, or even a size 7 for that matter. I don't need to be unnaturally dark skinned. I don't need fake contacts or highlights. I don't need a new teapot because it has a nice floral print and would look good on my shelf.
My life is NOT the things I have, it is the things I do/experience/enjoy.
I have more thoughts on this...but I am going to walk away from the computer and experience some more life.
Today's experience: Sitting in a local independent bookstore reading and conversing with two retired men about life and good music. Ate chopped BBQ sandwiches with them. 7 holes of golf. Laid in a hammock.
How's that for living life?
"Well, its almost 1am. I'm going to go to bed..."
Monday, April 12, 2010
How About New Shoes?
Our God is not the God of America. Our God is God of all people.
"From one man he created all the nations throughout the whole earth. He decided beforehand when they should rise and fall, and he determined their boundaries." Acts 17:26 (NLT)
I recently read an article in which the author posed the question, "What if a cooperative interdependence took the place of our misguided sense of independence in America and then the world?" This line has since been haunting me.
In Moral Seminar, we are currently looking at Morality & Emotion. This chapter has begun to help me connect my implicit (internalized, unspoken) feeling with an explicit (outward, spoken/written) action. Which leads me to the very common question for myself: WHY?
Why have we become a people that look to our own interests? (When I say we, I am speaking to those of us who call ourselves Christians/believers/children of God.) Others are more than welcome to read this, but this is a call/plea to the people that cling to the same faith and hope in this God that I do.
When was the last time I/you/we cried over the death of an Iraqi soldier? When did I/you/we become to believe that fighting a war to "protect" our nation was appropriate because we are defending what we believe is right? Why is the death of innocent Iraqi bystanders in these battles "just a part of war", while the 3,497 people who died through the tragedies of 9/11 was "unthinkable"? I agree that these American deaths were tragic. My heart broke as I walked through the streets of New York six years later and saw memorials all around me. When did I/you/we find time to cry for the citizens of other nations that have died as a part of this war?
Larry P. Nucci (quoted/discussed in previous blogs) notes that emotional development underlies the development of both moral and religious beliefs. Is it that many of us are not emotionally mature enough to view this situation (among many other daily injustices) through the lenses of the faith I/you/we so adamantly proclaim?...
Nucci states that a person who is emotionally immature will hold religious beliefs differently from people who are more mature. This sounds a lot like someone who reads the Word, goes to church, truly tries to love God...and overlooks all of this, casting judgement on a homosexual sin. When I/you/we meet someone who is homosexual, how easy is it to judge them and start to pray/think/plan on ways to "help them out of their sin." When was the last time I/you/we confronted or prayed for a friend who was struggling with cheating on tests...or lying to their parents...or worrying ("Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" Matt 6:25)???
I say all of this because these thoughts are swirling through my head. They won't be answered today. They can't be changed throughout the world in a day...but they are things to be thought about/chewed on/wrestled with/internalized.
Lately God has been calling me to love people. I know we are ALL ALWAYS called to love people...but He has been making it painfully obvious.
American journalist, Dorothy Day, once said, "If you own two coats, one of them belongs to the poor."
Saturday, I went through all of my clothes, shoes, etc and got rid of half of it. I counted what I kept and what I got rid of to hold myself accountable. When I went to the clothing/shelter donation box, I dropped off 7 trashbags full of belongings. I was excited on the drive over there...hoping that following God's whispers would lead me to feel accomplished and a 'faithful follower'...but instead, I left with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart. The clothes I dropped off completely filled up the empty bin. There are homeless people who wear the same clothes every single day and I was able to give away half of what I owned and not only do I not miss any of it...I can't really tell you right now what was in those bags.
I'm thanking God for His lesson, as I continue to seach for ways to love His people more than I do today. I want to love Him more tomorrow than I do today. To quote my wonderful friend Curt Vernon “I pray that tonight is the farthest that we ever are from you Lord.”
One last idea from Nucci: "Perspective takig is necessary if one is to understand. One must temporarily suspend one's own perspective in order to take that of another, much as you must take off your own shoes in order to try on another pair."
Take off the shoes of comfort.
Take off the shoes of apathy.
Take off the shoes of believing that Americans are in any way more deserving of anything.
Take off the shoes of judgement.
Take off the shoes of being right in an argument.
Take off the shoes of somehow thinking you know better.
Take off ALL of your shoes....and put on the shoes of a Big Guy. He is so much better at teaching you how to walk through this life. Some times, the shoes feel awkward and it is SO much easier to get back into the old shoes. But that's the point! He is growing you...for the rest of your days. But every single day you follow Him, you will grow into those shoes will feel better.
And remember, there is room in those shoes because they are His. He is walking in them and you are too. He was meant to walk it with you. If you try to borrow them and do it on your own, you will fail. They're pretty big shoes to fill.
"From one man he created all the nations throughout the whole earth. He decided beforehand when they should rise and fall, and he determined their boundaries." Acts 17:26 (NLT)
I recently read an article in which the author posed the question, "What if a cooperative interdependence took the place of our misguided sense of independence in America and then the world?" This line has since been haunting me.
In Moral Seminar, we are currently looking at Morality & Emotion. This chapter has begun to help me connect my implicit (internalized, unspoken) feeling with an explicit (outward, spoken/written) action. Which leads me to the very common question for myself: WHY?
Why have we become a people that look to our own interests? (When I say we, I am speaking to those of us who call ourselves Christians/believers/children of God.) Others are more than welcome to read this, but this is a call/plea to the people that cling to the same faith and hope in this God that I do.
When was the last time I/you/we cried over the death of an Iraqi soldier? When did I/you/we become to believe that fighting a war to "protect" our nation was appropriate because we are defending what we believe is right? Why is the death of innocent Iraqi bystanders in these battles "just a part of war", while the 3,497 people who died through the tragedies of 9/11 was "unthinkable"? I agree that these American deaths were tragic. My heart broke as I walked through the streets of New York six years later and saw memorials all around me. When did I/you/we find time to cry for the citizens of other nations that have died as a part of this war?
Larry P. Nucci (quoted/discussed in previous blogs) notes that emotional development underlies the development of both moral and religious beliefs. Is it that many of us are not emotionally mature enough to view this situation (among many other daily injustices) through the lenses of the faith I/you/we so adamantly proclaim?...
Nucci states that a person who is emotionally immature will hold religious beliefs differently from people who are more mature. This sounds a lot like someone who reads the Word, goes to church, truly tries to love God...and overlooks all of this, casting judgement on a homosexual sin. When I/you/we meet someone who is homosexual, how easy is it to judge them and start to pray/think/plan on ways to "help them out of their sin." When was the last time I/you/we confronted or prayed for a friend who was struggling with cheating on tests...or lying to their parents...or worrying ("Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" Matt 6:25)???
I say all of this because these thoughts are swirling through my head. They won't be answered today. They can't be changed throughout the world in a day...but they are things to be thought about/chewed on/wrestled with/internalized.
Lately God has been calling me to love people. I know we are ALL ALWAYS called to love people...but He has been making it painfully obvious.
American journalist, Dorothy Day, once said, "If you own two coats, one of them belongs to the poor."
Saturday, I went through all of my clothes, shoes, etc and got rid of half of it. I counted what I kept and what I got rid of to hold myself accountable. When I went to the clothing/shelter donation box, I dropped off 7 trashbags full of belongings. I was excited on the drive over there...hoping that following God's whispers would lead me to feel accomplished and a 'faithful follower'...but instead, I left with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart. The clothes I dropped off completely filled up the empty bin. There are homeless people who wear the same clothes every single day and I was able to give away half of what I owned and not only do I not miss any of it...I can't really tell you right now what was in those bags.
I'm thanking God for His lesson, as I continue to seach for ways to love His people more than I do today. I want to love Him more tomorrow than I do today. To quote my wonderful friend Curt Vernon “I pray that tonight is the farthest that we ever are from you Lord.”
One last idea from Nucci: "Perspective takig is necessary if one is to understand. One must temporarily suspend one's own perspective in order to take that of another, much as you must take off your own shoes in order to try on another pair."
Take off the shoes of comfort.
Take off the shoes of apathy.
Take off the shoes of believing that Americans are in any way more deserving of anything.
Take off the shoes of judgement.
Take off the shoes of being right in an argument.
Take off the shoes of somehow thinking you know better.
Take off ALL of your shoes....and put on the shoes of a Big Guy. He is so much better at teaching you how to walk through this life. Some times, the shoes feel awkward and it is SO much easier to get back into the old shoes. But that's the point! He is growing you...for the rest of your days. But every single day you follow Him, you will grow into those shoes will feel better.
And remember, there is room in those shoes because they are His. He is walking in them and you are too. He was meant to walk it with you. If you try to borrow them and do it on your own, you will fail. They're pretty big shoes to fill.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
How do YOU view the holes?
I was told of an interesting poem one day during Moral Seminar and I just got a chance to look it up. It was taken from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and is titled 'Autobiography in Five Chapters.'
Chapter 1.
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
I cant believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3.
I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there. I still fall in… its a habit.
But, my eyes are open. I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5.
I walk down another street.
Does this sound anything like you're life? I know it sounds like the way I act sometimes.
The two that sound most like myself are chapters 2 and 3. How many times have I found myself sitting at the bottom of the whole because I pretended it wasn't there.?..all while saying, "Well it isn't my fault there's a hole in the middle of the street!"
Just as often, I am blatantly aware of the hole and go walking around.
Its the glory that I call God that gets me from Chapter 4 to Chapter 5 of this story. When I finally realize that I could keep walking around this hole for the rest of my life.
When I read this story, a very important passage comes to mind:
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:12-15 NIV
Let's not forget that we have a much bigger goal in life. When we are able to walk down a different street and stop falling into useless holes, we will be able to walk towards the goal we hope to achieve.
Chapter 1.
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
I cant believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3.
I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there. I still fall in… its a habit.
But, my eyes are open. I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5.
I walk down another street.
Does this sound anything like you're life? I know it sounds like the way I act sometimes.
The two that sound most like myself are chapters 2 and 3. How many times have I found myself sitting at the bottom of the whole because I pretended it wasn't there.?..all while saying, "Well it isn't my fault there's a hole in the middle of the street!"
Just as often, I am blatantly aware of the hole and go walking around.
Its the glory that I call God that gets me from Chapter 4 to Chapter 5 of this story. When I finally realize that I could keep walking around this hole for the rest of my life.
When I read this story, a very important passage comes to mind:
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:12-15 NIV
Let's not forget that we have a much bigger goal in life. When we are able to walk down a different street and stop falling into useless holes, we will be able to walk towards the goal we hope to achieve.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My man James
When I sat down to do my quiet time yesterday morning, I started reading James. Our pastor told us in church on Sunday that James contains over 50 imperative statements. James doesn't suggest some ideas of what we might want to do with our lives. He doesn't ask us politely to make a few changes. He's a straight shooter. We'd say, he tells it like it is.
I read a verse that blew me away. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5 NIV
What?!
Seriously?!
I've been trying to figure out for years how to be wise. I've had wise friends and I wonder how they got that way. I think, "I'm book smart, but how do I become more wise?"
And all the while, there was a verse in which I am told, if I believe he will/can, that God will give me wisdom.
I called a friend and told him about this, and that I've now started praying for wisdome. He said, "Of course he will. He already has. How else do you think you found that verse?"
Hmmm...
I just joyed in that verse yesterday and when I sat down to do my quiet time this morning...God blew me away all over again.
"...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 NIV
It was like God whispered, "DING DING DING! Here it is!! Here's where you start!"
So, that's what I'm working on. I'm praying that God shut my lips and open my ears.
If you need some guidance (or straight forward commands) in how to live life...or how to love God more than you already do, James is your man.
I read a verse that blew me away. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5 NIV
What?!
Seriously?!
I've been trying to figure out for years how to be wise. I've had wise friends and I wonder how they got that way. I think, "I'm book smart, but how do I become more wise?"
And all the while, there was a verse in which I am told, if I believe he will/can, that God will give me wisdom.
I called a friend and told him about this, and that I've now started praying for wisdome. He said, "Of course he will. He already has. How else do you think you found that verse?"
Hmmm...
I just joyed in that verse yesterday and when I sat down to do my quiet time this morning...God blew me away all over again.
"...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 NIV
It was like God whispered, "DING DING DING! Here it is!! Here's where you start!"
So, that's what I'm working on. I'm praying that God shut my lips and open my ears.
If you need some guidance (or straight forward commands) in how to live life...or how to love God more than you already do, James is your man.
When I sat down to do my quiet time yesterday morning, I started reading James. Our pastor told us in church on Sunday that James contains over 50 imperative statements. James doesn't suggest some ideas of what we might want to do with our lives. He doesn't ask us politely to make a few changes. He's a straight shooter. We'd say, he tells it like it is.
I read a verse that blew me away. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5 NIV
What?!
Seriously?!
I've been trying to figure out for years how to be wise. I've had wise friends and I wonder how they got that way. I think, "I'm book smart, but how do I become more wise?"
And all the while, there was a verse in which I am told, if I believe he will/can, that God will give me wisdom.
I called a friend and told him about this, and that I've now started praying for wisdome. He said, "Of course he will. He already has. How else do you think you found that verse?"
Hmmm...
I just joyed in that verse yesterday and when I sat down to do my quiet time this morning...God blew me away all over again.
"...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 NIV
It was like God whispered, "DING DING DING! Here it is!! Here's where you start!"
So, that's what I'm working on. I'm praying that God shut my lips and open my ears.
If you need some guidance (or straight forward commands) in how to live life...or how to love God more than you already do, James is your man.
I read a verse that blew me away. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5 NIV
What?!
Seriously?!
I've been trying to figure out for years how to be wise. I've had wise friends and I wonder how they got that way. I think, "I'm book smart, but how do I become more wise?"
And all the while, there was a verse in which I am told, if I believe he will/can, that God will give me wisdom.
I called a friend and told him about this, and that I've now started praying for wisdome. He said, "Of course he will. He already has. How else do you think you found that verse?"
Hmmm...
I just joyed in that verse yesterday and when I sat down to do my quiet time this morning...God blew me away all over again.
"...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19 NIV
It was like God whispered, "DING DING DING! Here it is!! Here's where you start!"
So, that's what I'm working on. I'm praying that God shut my lips and open my ears.
If you need some guidance (or straight forward commands) in how to live life...or how to love God more than you already do, James is your man.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Atrophy in the monotony
Moral Seminar again. Like I previously wrote, that class blows my mind.
"Anyone can acquire an opinion just as one can learn a foreign language or a foreign custom, but only those opinions which are rooted in the character structure of a person, behind which there is the energy contained in his characted, becomes convictions." -Eric Fromm
As I'm sure anyone who read my "Humanistic Conscience" post can tell, this is another 'look inside yourself' post.
In this essay, Fromm goes on to talk about the idea of faith as a character trait, rather than a set of principles one follows. Fromm discusses the relationship between faith in reason and tries to point out that he is not speaking of faith VERSUS reason, but rather faith THROUGH reason.
Fromm points out that both a "rational, realistic view" and a "faith view" are not to be separated but fused together to create a productive person. (See Humanistic Conscience post for contextual definition of 'productive.')
He points out that the presence of both a Reproductive capacity and a Generative capacity is neccesary for a productive person.
Reproductive capacity:
-the ability that allows us to perceive actual reality, in the same way that a film makes a literal recording of the thing that's photographed.
-the ability to see what is there
Generative capacity:
-the capacity for conceiving, enlivening, and recreating something that is perceiving
-the ability to reconceive
These two things are to work together. But...often one is atrophed in people. In our society, that capacity is the generative. This makes for an unbalanced realist that is capable of recognizing things as they are, without being able to liven from within to see what is not yet existant.
This person can see the details (similar to the description of the Pharisees in earlier post) but cannot view the picture as a whole.
The polar opposite of this would be one who is able to construct abstract, imaginative thoughts, but not able to apply them to reality. This person would be considered psychotic, living only from within his own world.
Though our society would easily recognize the latter as "insane," Fromm points out that both are sick. One person has lost touch with reality, but the other has lost what we would consider the basis of being a human being.
Realism is not the opposite of insanity, but its compliment. The TRUE opposite of both...is productivity.
As previously written, the task is not to set about into the wilderness to discover a completely new kind of personal faith, nor carbon-copy that of authority (parent, teacher, pastor)...but to take in what we have seen/heard/experienced, and mold it (through the guiding of the Holy Spirit) to make it our own.
This is when a very important question was posed: Should be ALWAYS submit to authority?
Rational Faith
-firm conviction based upon productive, intellectual (reproductive) and emotional (generative) activity
This is what I believe we should capture. This is the kind of faith I want. I don't expect God to lay out the blueprints for his existance to me. But there are logical ideas that I find comfort in the lining up of. Ex: the bible was written over a vast span of time, by many authors who never knew the other existed, yet it still never contradicts itself. I know many nonbelievers may say this is due to rewritting of the books, but I genuinely do not believe that to be so. Much of this is because my generative capacity has felt such reassurance and trust in a relationship with God that I base my very life on His Word.
Fromm goes on to talk about another very interesting/scary concept.
Irrational Faith
-belief in a person, idea, or symbol which does not result from one's own experience of thought or feeling
-based on emotional submission to irrational authority
He points out that "giving up inner independence in submission to authority results in tendency to substitute the authority's experience for one's own."
Read that last sentence one more time and tell me that doesn't sound like the faith of much of our generation. Beyond that, does this not sound like the same ideas used by cult leaders to draw in followers? It is by the emotional submission to one leader's experiences and the trading of one's own thoughts for authority that even fuels the concept of a cult. That is a scary game to be playing.
People in this position "feel they accept the leader because they agree with his ideas, but in reality they have accepted the ideas because they have submitted to authority."
This reminds me much of relationships I have had with members of authority in churches I have attended. (Youth pastors, bible study leaders, pastors) This is NOT to say we should not respect and trust the authority of the God-appointed leaders of our churches, but rather we should not connect their messages to our hearts with a feeding tube. We don't need to take it all in for criticism, but rather to consider it and truly make it our own before integrating those truths into our own lives. It is when we do this, that the message/s truly change lives, rather than 'fill up' until next Sunday/Wednesday.
It is not just Fromm or me that thinks this is a good idea. "That you may really come to know (practically through experience for yourself) the love of Christ, ehich far surpasses mere knowledge (without experience)." Eph 3:19 Amplified
It is one thing to read about the love of God, but it is another to experience the love of God.
This is what I write to each of you tonight. Do not just read about life...and do not just experience faith. Explore/research/examine your faith. Live your life. Do NOT let part of who you are atrophy in the monotony of daily life. You cannot know real love by reading about it and you cannot experience real faith unless you truly understand it, beyond that joy you feel. Be aware of each capacity. Do not be afraid of one or indulge in the other. Discover and learn who you were created to be and never stop learning.
"That is what learning is. You understand something you've understood your whole life, but in a new way." -Doris Lessing
"Anyone can acquire an opinion just as one can learn a foreign language or a foreign custom, but only those opinions which are rooted in the character structure of a person, behind which there is the energy contained in his characted, becomes convictions." -Eric Fromm
As I'm sure anyone who read my "Humanistic Conscience" post can tell, this is another 'look inside yourself' post.
In this essay, Fromm goes on to talk about the idea of faith as a character trait, rather than a set of principles one follows. Fromm discusses the relationship between faith in reason and tries to point out that he is not speaking of faith VERSUS reason, but rather faith THROUGH reason.
Fromm points out that both a "rational, realistic view" and a "faith view" are not to be separated but fused together to create a productive person. (See Humanistic Conscience post for contextual definition of 'productive.')
He points out that the presence of both a Reproductive capacity and a Generative capacity is neccesary for a productive person.
Reproductive capacity:
-the ability that allows us to perceive actual reality, in the same way that a film makes a literal recording of the thing that's photographed.
-the ability to see what is there
Generative capacity:
-the capacity for conceiving, enlivening, and recreating something that is perceiving
-the ability to reconceive
These two things are to work together. But...often one is atrophed in people. In our society, that capacity is the generative. This makes for an unbalanced realist that is capable of recognizing things as they are, without being able to liven from within to see what is not yet existant.
This person can see the details (similar to the description of the Pharisees in earlier post) but cannot view the picture as a whole.
The polar opposite of this would be one who is able to construct abstract, imaginative thoughts, but not able to apply them to reality. This person would be considered psychotic, living only from within his own world.
Though our society would easily recognize the latter as "insane," Fromm points out that both are sick. One person has lost touch with reality, but the other has lost what we would consider the basis of being a human being.
Realism is not the opposite of insanity, but its compliment. The TRUE opposite of both...is productivity.
As previously written, the task is not to set about into the wilderness to discover a completely new kind of personal faith, nor carbon-copy that of authority (parent, teacher, pastor)...but to take in what we have seen/heard/experienced, and mold it (through the guiding of the Holy Spirit) to make it our own.
This is when a very important question was posed: Should be ALWAYS submit to authority?
Rational Faith
-firm conviction based upon productive, intellectual (reproductive) and emotional (generative) activity
This is what I believe we should capture. This is the kind of faith I want. I don't expect God to lay out the blueprints for his existance to me. But there are logical ideas that I find comfort in the lining up of. Ex: the bible was written over a vast span of time, by many authors who never knew the other existed, yet it still never contradicts itself. I know many nonbelievers may say this is due to rewritting of the books, but I genuinely do not believe that to be so. Much of this is because my generative capacity has felt such reassurance and trust in a relationship with God that I base my very life on His Word.
Fromm goes on to talk about another very interesting/scary concept.
Irrational Faith
-belief in a person, idea, or symbol which does not result from one's own experience of thought or feeling
-based on emotional submission to irrational authority
He points out that "giving up inner independence in submission to authority results in tendency to substitute the authority's experience for one's own."
Read that last sentence one more time and tell me that doesn't sound like the faith of much of our generation. Beyond that, does this not sound like the same ideas used by cult leaders to draw in followers? It is by the emotional submission to one leader's experiences and the trading of one's own thoughts for authority that even fuels the concept of a cult. That is a scary game to be playing.
People in this position "feel they accept the leader because they agree with his ideas, but in reality they have accepted the ideas because they have submitted to authority."
This reminds me much of relationships I have had with members of authority in churches I have attended. (Youth pastors, bible study leaders, pastors) This is NOT to say we should not respect and trust the authority of the God-appointed leaders of our churches, but rather we should not connect their messages to our hearts with a feeding tube. We don't need to take it all in for criticism, but rather to consider it and truly make it our own before integrating those truths into our own lives. It is when we do this, that the message/s truly change lives, rather than 'fill up' until next Sunday/Wednesday.
It is not just Fromm or me that thinks this is a good idea. "That you may really come to know (practically through experience for yourself) the love of Christ, ehich far surpasses mere knowledge (without experience)." Eph 3:19 Amplified
It is one thing to read about the love of God, but it is another to experience the love of God.
This is what I write to each of you tonight. Do not just read about life...and do not just experience faith. Explore/research/examine your faith. Live your life. Do NOT let part of who you are atrophy in the monotony of daily life. You cannot know real love by reading about it and you cannot experience real faith unless you truly understand it, beyond that joy you feel. Be aware of each capacity. Do not be afraid of one or indulge in the other. Discover and learn who you were created to be and never stop learning.
"That is what learning is. You understand something you've understood your whole life, but in a new way." -Doris Lessing
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Overhaul of a toilet/heart
I've been listening to it since the day I moved into my bedroom. I fall asleep to it, and I listen to it like a rambling friend while I'm brushing my teeth in the morning.
Brittanie moved in to the spare bedroom on Friday and one of the first things she said was, "That is going to have to stop."
"What? What's gonna have to stop?"
"You don't hear that?!"
"You don't hear that?!"
I went to Galen (my boss) and said, "Do you mind if I go up to Lowes and buy a part? The water is running inside the tank of our toilet and its driving Brittanie nuts."
He asked how long it'd been running and I answered, "I don't know. I'm guessing since I moved into the room in September..."
And it wasn't until I was ready for church this morning and sitting on my bed journaling that it HIT me.
How much is this like the things I need to get out of my life?
How often does a friend say, "Whoa! That's not okay" and I just stare back at them like I'm confused or would like to crawl in a hole and die?
How often does a friend say, "Whoa! That's not okay" and I just stare back at them like I'm confused or would like to crawl in a hole and die?
Strange as it may sound, I decided to pray that God turn my thoughts/attitude into the same I had when Brit decided the running toilet wasn't such a good idea.
We immediately left for Lowes and during the drive talked about a plan of how to fix it, browsed the plumbing section, bought the gear, and the second we got home I got to work with a determination unmatched.
How often, after a friend pointing out a flaw in the way I'm living my life, do I find wise cousel (prayer) and get together the materials to immediately hop on fixing it?
If I'm being honest with myself, I would say that my attitude is often like that of the one I had before Brittanie said something...
I hear that noise every single night as I fall asleep. I wake up to it. Its a waste of money. And I had become absolutely immune to it.
This is my prayer for the day:
Lord, please change the way I see things. Open my eyes to the little running toilets of my life. To the things I see/do/say every single day without a second thought. I ask for the same alertness that Brittanie had to that running water. Give me a sensitivity to hear those irks and the determination to immediately set about repairing them.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Human Conscience
Seminar of Moral, Ethical, Religious and Professional Issues.
Sounds boring, right? I thought so too...until I spent one day in the class.
Every single time I walk into that class, my mind is blown. My professor has an amazing ability to tie together the science and psychology of morality with the teachings of Christ.
(Try to hang with me through the clarification of a couple terms and it will get good.)
Humanistic Conscience
Sounds boring, right? I thought so too...until I spent one day in the class.
Every single time I walk into that class, my mind is blown. My professor has an amazing ability to tie together the science and psychology of morality with the teachings of Christ.
(Try to hang with me through the clarification of a couple terms and it will get good.)
Humanistic Conscience
- NOT the internalized voice of authority (ie: teachers, parents, policemen)
- Requires independent thinking
- The voice of our "true selves"
- Calls us to productive living
- Calls us to develop genuine potentials
- Maintains integrity of personality
Productivity is the development of the use of one's God-given, human "powers"
- Power of thought
- Power of love
- Power of imagination
We were told a very interesting quote that inspires me more and more every single time I read it:
"The more productively one lives, the stronger is one's conscience, and the more it furthers one's productiveness."
I believe this concept applies so accurately in the exact opposite way. It is when I/we become lackadaisical that I want to do less in life, and even my walk with God. I start to lose the sense of who I am. (More on that concept in a moment.) Its when I/we fall into a routine of comfort that I stop looking for more in life.
Scribes and Pharisees spent a lot of time studying the Bible...but they didn't seem to get the big picture. In this context, we would say they were not being productive. They desired to follow the exact letter of the Law, rather than put the things in the scrolls into their own thoughts, in the context of love, using their own imagination. Was it because in that sense, they were being conventional? Were they just believing the things that had been believed before them, rather than figuring things out for themselves? Or...in a theological sense, were they not open to the leading of the Spirit?
Erich Fromm (German psychologist in the 20th century) states that the humanistic conscience is necessary for this level of thinking. Fromm also states that it is difficult to hear to humanistic conscience. We must be able to listen to ourselves. He states, we are often able to listen to every voice around us except for our own.
This concept blew me away because Fromm wrote this in the early 1900's. He wrote this before iPhones, DVR, blogs, iPods, podcasts, satellite churches, Kindle...before all of this "noise" was even a forethought. Fromm said that there was often so much noise going on in one's own life that he/she didn't take time to hear his/her conscience. How true is this now, in today's context?
Fromm states that not listening to one's humanistic conscience leads to an unconscious guilt, which often surfaces in the form of anxiety of even physical illness. How many times have I been so busy going going going that I didn't take a second to slow down and listen to the Holy Spirit right inside of me...and ended up quite anxious and sick? (Definitely something to think about)
"If man cannot approve of himself, because he fails in the task of living productively, he has to substitute approval by others for approval by himself." This is a moral issue
How often to I/we turn immediately to a friend or loved one for an opinion on a decision/promotion/break-up/achievement, before we turn to the only One that matters? "You must never worship or bow down to them, for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God who will not share your affection with any other god!.." Exodus 20:5
We serve a jealous God.
Princeton.edu defines "god" (little 'g') as "any being worshipped as controlling some part of the world or some aspect of life or who is a personification of a force."
That "controlling some aspect of life" sounds a little bit like the authority I give to some of my best friends, sisters, and often my mom. It is hard to recall a time I didn't have a huge decision/opportunity and I didn't pick up my phone and call one of those closest to my heart...before taking time to quietly seek my humanistic conscience. (If you haven't picked up on it yet, what scientists call "humanistic conscience," we (Christians) often refer to as the Holy Spirit.)
We can have a word that remains in authoritarian sense. "I receive this word, but it never really becomes half mine. But I still have it." It is a dead word. As opposed to the alternative in which I have seen this word and added my own thought, making it my own. It is dynamic, living, and productive. It produces other ideas and thoughts. Where as the other, it does not...it is just held in its dead state.
This was written by a psychologist, not in a theological/spiritual sense...but in a sense of how one makes information his in an authoritarian conscience sense or a humanistic conscience.
Does this sound anything like the discussion between Christ and the Pharisees about "The letter of the law vs. the Spirit of the law"?
What are the consequences on this (humanistic conscience) not developing?
I know we hear all the time 'make your faith your own.' This is not to say we walk away from everything we learn and start to explore and wander into the wilderness of faith. We are supposed to take all of the things we learned from authority (pastor, parent, teacher, mentor, friend) and shape/mold/form it into our own, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Do we believe these things because they sound good, or because they bring materials and form to allow us, through our own thinking and exploring, make our own relationship with God our own? Our faith is supposed to look a little different than our parents or pastors. If you are a different person than them, the relationship you have with God will look different. It may not be a shocking or dramatic difference, but a difference all the same.
But when the internalization process is incomplete, judgement too continues to rely on authoritative rule and directive, and drives its way through adult authority. It reflects the child's identification but it isn't an independent judgement.
The line of thinking could be summed up in this: "I can believe everything the authority says. I can identify with it, yes, but it is not an independent judgement."
Kohlberg states, rarely before age 20 is an individual cognitively able to sort through his/her thoughts on this level. Shapiro makes the point to reiterate that just because, at this age, it becomes a possibility...does not mean it will happen. In most cases, it does not.
When there is a schism, or split, between humanistic conscience and the authoritarian conscience (what is learned/indoctrinated by authority) that one is not aware of, one becomes an adult who is out of touch with "me." He/she can identify with group or authority, but does not hear his/her own voice.
I pose a question: If I'm out of touch with me, and can't connect with myself, does that have any implications in how I connect with you?
Suppose you and I get married, if I'm not in tune with who I am, how can I connect with you? That poses all kinds of problems.
Though Shapiro did not pose such the question, we were asked to consider: If I cannot connect with me, cannot connect with you...how can I possibly connect with an omnipotent God?
Is it possible for people to connect/identify with religion, but not with God? I think we would all say we have seen this, and often done this ourselves.
Again, the Pharisees did this. They were very in touch with their religion, but when God took on flesh and tried to have a conversation with them, they said, "Who are you?"
Though, in class, we discussed a number of prerequisites that are helpful (some deemed "necessary") for one to develop this sense of being in tune with one's own humanistic conscience...that is not what I write about. As I said, it is around age 20 that one is cognitively able to begin to address these concepts. Now is the time for us to make our faith our own. It is time to step away from the chaos of our lives, not for a retreat weekend, but on a daily basis.
Warning: The eventual side effects of this "disconnect" between a person and his/her own "self" is not something to fluff off. Shapiro says, "An estrangement develops between how a person thinks he feels, and how he actually feels and behaves." Doesn't this sound something like what happens when I/we say that we believe one thing because of our faith, yet we so easily do another? THIS is the disconnect he is talking about. We aren't helpless.
Shapiro also says: Neurotic (a person prone to excessive anxiety and emotional upset) people often think they want or are interested in what they actually only think they should want or be interested in. They believe they intend to do something they actually never intend to do.
Is it possible to only love someone because we feel it is what the Bible says we should do? I have been with this person for a long time. I have said I love them, and told their family I want to be with them for a long time, and even mentioned that marriage is something I want...but I know I don't want it, and I get married anyway.
I will repeat what Fromm already said: This is a moral issue.
I end with this thought. It is something to think about, while we are at the age in which so many people our age are falling in love and getting married.
"I feel like you won't love me if you really see me, so I act like someone I know you will love. While I am pretending to be this person, I am forming a disconnect between me and myself, but seperating my ability to connect to you."
We were made to live in community. We were made to have open honest relationships. With God. With ourselves. With others. It is only in those relationships that we can truly see who we are, and thus begin to connect on deeper levels in all three realms.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
¿Puedo obtener un descanso?
(Can I get a break?)
Spanish homework/assignments/papers have been running my life for the past 6 days
The only things that have kept my head about water this week are:
1. Reading blogs
2. Twitter humor
3. Lent
4. God's sovereignty
I have recently downloaded a RSS Reader App for my BlackBerry and it has been heavenly. I can now read entry after entry, regardless of internet coverage. A few I really enjoy are:
http://www.jessieandbailey365.blogspot.com/
http://thatgirlgwen.tumblr.com/rss
http://stuffchristianslike.net/
http://xxxchurch.com/rss/blogs/women.xml
Twitter has also become a favorite past time of mine. I can't promise my tweets are always the most humorous, but I'm getting better. I love the tweet-wars between friends back home that help me feel less homesick.
http://www.twitter.com/shi2803
I am delighted about the Lenton season. I have chosen (by the inspiration of Gwendolyn) to give up eating at restaurants, fast-food, coffee shops, etc. (Basically only eating/drinking out once a week) I am looking forward to a season of looking away from my own desires and focussing more closely on the desires of God's heart. (Something I should do year-round and am now taking an opportunity to focus in on.) Let me know if you are fasting about something I can encourage/pray for you about.
God is so good! He has been opening doors left and right lately. I've been quite astonished by the ways He has made himself known lately. I have seen Him in all the little day-to-day tasks I usually get bogged down by. On of my favorite things about God is the way He pursues us. I cannot sit idly by and just wait for Him to pay for attention to me....it is when God is showing Himself to me that I desire more and more to seek His face.
As always, when pursuing His face, the Enemy has tried sneaking in my head and whispering little lies. I'm glad I am surrounded by friends who can discern that and join me in prayer against such things. Earlier this week, a friend told me, "Feel like you are feeling stressed out cuz your living the right way and trying to love and follow God...and Satan doesn't like it and is mounting up his troops and trying to get you down and feeling less than what you are...a child of God with all the joy in the world!!!!! :)" How could my day/week not be instantly brightened with that kind of encouragement?
Thanks for reading. I look forward to more rambling about God's grace/majesty/power/sovereignty....as I figure out more and more what it means to follow Him wholeheartedly.
Spanish homework/assignments/papers have been running my life for the past 6 days
The only things that have kept my head about water this week are:
1. Reading blogs
2. Twitter humor
3. Lent
4. God's sovereignty
I have recently downloaded a RSS Reader App for my BlackBerry and it has been heavenly. I can now read entry after entry, regardless of internet coverage. A few I really enjoy are:
http://www.jessieandbailey365.blogspot.com/
http://thatgirlgwen.tumblr.com/rss
http://stuffchristianslike.net/
http://xxxchurch.com/rss/blogs/women.xml
Twitter has also become a favorite past time of mine. I can't promise my tweets are always the most humorous, but I'm getting better. I love the tweet-wars between friends back home that help me feel less homesick.
http://www.twitter.com/shi2803
I am delighted about the Lenton season. I have chosen (by the inspiration of Gwendolyn) to give up eating at restaurants, fast-food, coffee shops, etc. (Basically only eating/drinking out once a week) I am looking forward to a season of looking away from my own desires and focussing more closely on the desires of God's heart. (Something I should do year-round and am now taking an opportunity to focus in on.) Let me know if you are fasting about something I can encourage/pray for you about.
God is so good! He has been opening doors left and right lately. I've been quite astonished by the ways He has made himself known lately. I have seen Him in all the little day-to-day tasks I usually get bogged down by. On of my favorite things about God is the way He pursues us. I cannot sit idly by and just wait for Him to pay for attention to me....it is when God is showing Himself to me that I desire more and more to seek His face.
As always, when pursuing His face, the Enemy has tried sneaking in my head and whispering little lies. I'm glad I am surrounded by friends who can discern that and join me in prayer against such things. Earlier this week, a friend told me, "Feel like you are feeling stressed out cuz your living the right way and trying to love and follow God...and Satan doesn't like it and is mounting up his troops and trying to get you down and feeling less than what you are...a child of God with all the joy in the world!!!!! :)" How could my day/week not be instantly brightened with that kind of encouragement?
Thanks for reading. I look forward to more rambling about God's grace/majesty/power/sovereignty....as I figure out more and more what it means to follow Him wholeheartedly.
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