Figuratively speaking, of course.

It is a new year. Well, not right now. Its still currently 2010. But in my life, it is a new year. Just 17 days ago, I wrote a post about my future husband and my dreams for us. And today, I am sitting at the computer cancelling registries and emailing wedding vendors. In just 17 days, a new year/life/step/journey has begun. And, oh my, is it scary.

It is the strangest feeling in the world. One that makes everything feel like it is falling apart, but in the next breath that maybe its all just now coming together. To one day see someone you are planning on calling your husband, and wake up the next day trying to figure out how to explain things to the "guest list." (And that's another thing. Best friends turn into Maids of Honor. Wonderful moms turn into Mothers-in-law. And friends and family become guests.)

And I stared at the ceiling wondering what this all meant. What do I do when my plan didn't work? What was I supposed to do when my marriage was indefinately postponed? What was I supposed to do when my fiance and I decide to take space and not speak for two months?

It was in that moment, I understood. Its not about me. It never has been. It took hours of riding all over Texas in the past week, listening to really loud music and just being with my thoughts to realize/remember that little truth. God didn't create me so that I could get to a certain point and get on with my life. He created me to glorify Him. He created me to love him more than anything I could possibly understand. He created me to be able to be away from this man and still be whole, complete, and secure. And I'm not all of those things right now.

But God has a big, beautiful plan that He designed for me. I am clinging to that truth. My plan may be all messed up right now, but HIS plan is going just right. God is not surprised by any of this. He is not sitting on His throne trying to figure out what to do next with my life. He is so good. I continue to tell myself that again and again. God is good.

So, here is my new year. It is not easy right now. There's a young man I miss more than I ever thought possible. And at some moments, it feels like there is no way this can be the right thing to do. But I get in the car, roll down the windows, and turn up the radio. I get out of bed, pick up my Bible, and start writing how I feel in my journal. I call up a friend and make a trip to Starbucks to just be out of the house. But most of all, I just close my eyes and thank God for the beautiful story He is writing. Though I don't understand. Though it hurts. Though it feels like a mountain I will never be able to climb. I thank Him. I praise Him. Because...

He is good.