Figuratively speaking, of course.

It is a new year. Well, not right now. Its still currently 2010. But in my life, it is a new year. Just 17 days ago, I wrote a post about my future husband and my dreams for us. And today, I am sitting at the computer cancelling registries and emailing wedding vendors. In just 17 days, a new year/life/step/journey has begun. And, oh my, is it scary.

It is the strangest feeling in the world. One that makes everything feel like it is falling apart, but in the next breath that maybe its all just now coming together. To one day see someone you are planning on calling your husband, and wake up the next day trying to figure out how to explain things to the "guest list." (And that's another thing. Best friends turn into Maids of Honor. Wonderful moms turn into Mothers-in-law. And friends and family become guests.)

And I stared at the ceiling wondering what this all meant. What do I do when my plan didn't work? What was I supposed to do when my marriage was indefinately postponed? What was I supposed to do when my fiance and I decide to take space and not speak for two months?

It was in that moment, I understood. Its not about me. It never has been. It took hours of riding all over Texas in the past week, listening to really loud music and just being with my thoughts to realize/remember that little truth. God didn't create me so that I could get to a certain point and get on with my life. He created me to glorify Him. He created me to love him more than anything I could possibly understand. He created me to be able to be away from this man and still be whole, complete, and secure. And I'm not all of those things right now.

But God has a big, beautiful plan that He designed for me. I am clinging to that truth. My plan may be all messed up right now, but HIS plan is going just right. God is not surprised by any of this. He is not sitting on His throne trying to figure out what to do next with my life. He is so good. I continue to tell myself that again and again. God is good.

So, here is my new year. It is not easy right now. There's a young man I miss more than I ever thought possible. And at some moments, it feels like there is no way this can be the right thing to do. But I get in the car, roll down the windows, and turn up the radio. I get out of bed, pick up my Bible, and start writing how I feel in my journal. I call up a friend and make a trip to Starbucks to just be out of the house. But most of all, I just close my eyes and thank God for the beautiful story He is writing. Though I don't understand. Though it hurts. Though it feels like a mountain I will never be able to climb. I thank Him. I praise Him. Because...

He is good.

"Serve God, love me, and mend. This is not the end."

God was just making sure I was paying attention. I get it...He is absolutely and totally in charge of my life. As this semester comes to an end, I am having the realization that I am just months away from walking across that stage and no longer being a student. Wow.

Just weeks after that, I will stand on the next important stage of life and vow to spend the rest of my life with a wonderful man, in front of all of our friends and family. I am caught off guard by how God is so wonderfully and all-knowingly in control of every aspect of my life. I cannot believe He brought me to this wonderful man.

The way I know this is love, you ask? Joey challenges me every single day, and I him. God is using him to make me a more complete person. I don't believe God brought Joey into my life to complete me but to daily hold a mirror in front of my face and say, "Look at who you are. You are not an island. You actions affect those around you. You are held responsible to more than just yourself." Its such a beautiful/painful/amazing/awful/exhausting/worthwhile process. I can't run away from life. I can't drop out of college when it gets hard. I can't just quit. This isn't a pet or a childhood playmate. This is a forever bond.

As each day passes, Joey and I begin to realize what that means. I don't think one can really understand the realities of forever until it begins to fall into place. Of course I think about our wedding day, but I no longer day dream of that day. I day dream of eating dinner on the couch together after painfully long days at work. I day dream of trying to convince each other that "its your turn to wash the dishes!!" I day dream of the simple blessing of being less than 6 hours away from this wonderful man. Some mornings, when Joey calls to wake me up for class, I am caught of guard and I will say something silly such as, "Joey, in five months we are going to wake up and get ready for work together. And come home to the same place at the end of the day. That's crazy. I wish it were today."

There is no doubt in my mind that this beautiful relationship is a gift placed in my hands my God himself. He has loaned me his very unique loved one and asked me to care for him. He has asked me to worry more about his needs than my own. He has asked me to love him more than I love myself. Most of all, God has ask me to follow this man and trust that He will lead Joey in every step of the way. I can stand and say I love and trust God's will, but its when he asks me to put my future in the hands of a soldier that the rubber hits the road.

I hope and wish and pray and strive to be worthy of this. If I try every single day, I never will be. As God granted me the beautiful gift of salvation that I can never earn, God has given me another gift I couldn't have earned or been good enough to deserve. But God's grace is all-covering. He took two broken, unworthy people and said, "Love him/her. My grace covers all of your past flaws. I will be here. I will protect you. I will guide you. Don't follow your own path, but mine. I am holding you. This is the person to walk with through this life."

My prayer: I pray that we are a glimpse of God's love and grace into the lives of those who encounter us. I pray we learn to love each other more the way that Christ first loved us, while we were still sinners.

Mix it up...Life is short.

"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life ... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." -Thoreau

Today, I got a phone call from Joey with some interesting news. A change in our life plan is probably coming and it is really exciting. (Don't worry, we're still getting married.)

Our original plan:
Get married in May 2011. Live in Lawton and Joey continues to do the same job he is currently doing. I work as a florist, until June 2012 when Joey would re-up his contract and we would try to move to Germany for a little while.

The plan we started discussing today:
Get married in May 2011. Live in Lawton while Joey does the same job. (He was just presented with a possible opportunity to change his MOS, otherwise known as the exact job he does.) Then, we could move to San Antonio as soon as August/September for Joey's new AIT. His training would be 24ish weeks long, another blessing I will detail in a second. Also, after his training was complete, we would get to move somewhere else new!

Joey and I have been discussing him changing his MOS, but one thing that was difficult for us was idea of him going to AIT. In normal circumstances, a spouse can not move with a soldier when he leaves for AIT. The exception for the rule is if training is going to be more than 20 weeks. Since Joey would be in training for about 24 weeks, I would get to move with him, rather than staying in Lawton.

Before Joey and I started dating, I dreamed of graduating and getting to travel. I just want to meet new people and experience new things in life. When he got stationed in Lawton, we took it as a blessing that we would be so close to each other, but it was hard to accept that I would be living in Lawton for a year. I had big dreams. But we knew God was calling us to marriage and I knew He would be faithful. And look where He whispers, "I love you. I told you I would take care of you," just three months later.

I'm so thankful I have a wonderful fiance who includes me in these decisions. He doesn't have to. He could plan his career and duty station choices without asking me anything, but he is so amazing. I respect how hard he works everyday and it is amazing to see how diligently he works, regardless of the fact that this may not have been the exact job he would have chosen for himself. He works hard towards the future and leads confidently. I never thought life would lead me to spending my life with a soldier, but there is no where else in the world I would rather be.

Keep us in your prayers as we continue to plan and follow where God leads us.