A (Not So) Sweet Goodnight Prayer

This is my prayer. For you. For me. For all of mankind.


The Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships,
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness

To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done,
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.
Amen

Grad School App. Essay. Homework. Crafts. New Books.

The title has nothing to do with this post, but rather things that have had a part in my Tuesday day. It was a very successful day. (Until I just realized I still have to walk outside and get my clothes out of the dryer. Though you will not notice that I have stepped away from the computer due to the very "present" feel of anything read online, I would appreciate a moment of pause to consider that I am now stepping outside into the freezing weather to grab fluffy clothes from the laundry room.)

Brrr...It is cold out there.

I write today about my experience at the grocery store and how God has been pressing on my heart the important things in life, such as sustainable energy, water and food sources. He has been reminding me that he blessed me with a wonderful planet to live on and abusing that resource is no more validated than it is to abuse anything else He has given me/us. This reality comes with the both the weight of making changes in way I choose to live my life and also the urge to pretend I don't understand the injustices of our current way of living and continuing in the ways of the present.

When grocery shopping at Walmart today, I hoped to buy a few fall/winter root vegetables and make "Roasted Root Vegetables" and Asparagus with my broiled Lemon Garlic Salmon. As I walked the "produce" section of the store, I found three types of potatoes. Three. I was absolutely amazed and quite annoyed. I continued on my journey in search of fresh herbs to cook with and found four fresh herbs in the produce section. Four. I am very aware there is a spice aisle, but I was hoping to put some fresh ingredients in tonight's dinner. Lastly, I went to grab some butter, where I found twenty-plus different kinds of butter. TWENTY.

It was in this trip to the grocery store that I was reminded of my desire to more to a town with a Farmer's Market and other sustainable resources to buy groceries from. I am tired of packaged food. God has never packaged food. I realize it is sometimes necessary, but it is not necessary for every food item in the refrigerator to be in a container of some sort. I want to move somewhere that I am not looked at strangely for carrying a refillable cup everyday. I want
to reuse cloth grocery bags. I want to cut back on the unneccesary resources I use on a daily basis. I want to do more good than bad.

That is my desire. That is the driving force moving me after graduation. Not a salary, but a passion to pursue God's heart through the respect and sincere joy of living in the creation that He allows me to experience every day. I want to experience the world He has given me.




" O God, I beg two favors from you;

let me have them before I die.

First, help me never to tell a lie.

Second, give me neither poverty nor riches!

Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.

For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?”

And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name." -Proverbs 30:7-9

Coffeehouse Tunes, Late Nights & Future Roadtrips

Anyone who reads my online writing often knows that every May brings a "end of the academic year" post.

The past few days, the idea of writing another just fourteen weeks from now is terrifying. These posts consist of an update of what I have been up to since the previous May and what I am planning to do with my summer. I have even considered pretending that my life fell into a black hole and ceased to exist from May to December. That would be nice. At this point, I would also have to leave off my "summer" plans. They are no longer plans for a summer, but the beginning of plans for my life. And I'm not really sure where that is taking me right now.

For a current update, an entry from your trusty Moleskine journal:

[Monday, January 10, 2011]

"I start to worry how all of this will turn out,but remember that God is so faithful. He holds my existance in the palm of his hand. God, thank you for being big and perfect. For holding my life together when nothing makes sense to me. I praise you for your perfection and sovereignty. Thank you for the peace you instill in my heart. For comforting me. For already knowing the plans of my life. I find such peace and comfort in knowing you are not botherd by worrying at the unfolding of all of this. You are beautiful. Perfect. All powerful. All knowing. The Great Comforter. My friend. My father. Thank you. I love you."

Want to know how my life feels?

Listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4TBarr5l9k

Amy Stroup- Backed Into The Corner.

God is blessing me this weekened with a little trip to relax in a town I may one day call home.

Wish me luck.

Shoeboxes and Phone Calls

James Morrison - "Pieces Don't Fit Anymore"


That is my anthem of this break. Oh, does it hurt, but its one of those songs where another person wrote words that describe exactly how I feel. Its such a good feeling. To look for words to describe something, then hear a song that is every single thought you have had.

There is a line/word in that song that captures how I have been feeling of late: "It's time to surrender...its been too long pretending. Its no use in trying, when the pieces don't fit anymore."

That is a sobering line. It hurts and feels so freeing. Merriam Webster defines surrender as "to give one self up into the power of another."

That is what happened over this break. I was broken. My whole world and life plans seemed to fall all around. I had to surrender. I tried to hold the pieces and put them back together as they were all crumbling. And I was breaking, as well.

So, I surrendered. I cried out to God with a broken heart. I got to a point with no hope, no light, no future. It was so heavy, I didn't know how to get out from underneath it. But God was there. With a beautiful feeling of hope. I new kind of hope I have experience. It was not a sunshiny, happy hope. It was hope that I could survive. That He would help me get out of bed. That He knew where I would be 6 months from now. It was this still quiet voice that said, "I know. I know, it hurts. I have a plan. I promise. Shhh....its okay.I am here. I love you. You are not broken. I am here. I am your Father and I love you so so much."

This is the experience I woke up to on Christmas morning. I would not have wished for it. It hurt so much. But God has blessed me with two weeks of healing. To be home and with family. To not talk about things. To be with old friends. To cry about everything.


Currently, he has given me the amazing man I call my friend, Joey. We are learning some very hard lessons from this experience. I don't know about him, but I'm struggling through a lot of tears. We are talking out our pain and fears and dreams....we are healing. The last thing I want is for him to end up the "bad guy." He is such a wonderful friend to me. I am literally heartbroken that we got to this point, but I believe God has a plan for each of us. Joey will make an amazing husband to a woman some day. In a way like never before, I truly wish someone well as we part ways in life. I can't wait to see where God takes each of us.

I know we will look back on all of this and smile at what we thought it was, but praise God for his perfection in shaping us into just what He wants us to be.

God is so wonderful. He is teaching us every single day. We are learning to lean on him, rather than anyone else. It is such a sweet time.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

It is a new year. Well, not right now. Its still currently 2010. But in my life, it is a new year. Just 17 days ago, I wrote a post about my future husband and my dreams for us. And today, I am sitting at the computer cancelling registries and emailing wedding vendors. In just 17 days, a new year/life/step/journey has begun. And, oh my, is it scary.

It is the strangest feeling in the world. One that makes everything feel like it is falling apart, but in the next breath that maybe its all just now coming together. To one day see someone you are planning on calling your husband, and wake up the next day trying to figure out how to explain things to the "guest list." (And that's another thing. Best friends turn into Maids of Honor. Wonderful moms turn into Mothers-in-law. And friends and family become guests.)

And I stared at the ceiling wondering what this all meant. What do I do when my plan didn't work? What was I supposed to do when my marriage was indefinately postponed? What was I supposed to do when my fiance and I decide to take space and not speak for two months?

It was in that moment, I understood. Its not about me. It never has been. It took hours of riding all over Texas in the past week, listening to really loud music and just being with my thoughts to realize/remember that little truth. God didn't create me so that I could get to a certain point and get on with my life. He created me to glorify Him. He created me to love him more than anything I could possibly understand. He created me to be able to be away from this man and still be whole, complete, and secure. And I'm not all of those things right now.

But God has a big, beautiful plan that He designed for me. I am clinging to that truth. My plan may be all messed up right now, but HIS plan is going just right. God is not surprised by any of this. He is not sitting on His throne trying to figure out what to do next with my life. He is so good. I continue to tell myself that again and again. God is good.

So, here is my new year. It is not easy right now. There's a young man I miss more than I ever thought possible. And at some moments, it feels like there is no way this can be the right thing to do. But I get in the car, roll down the windows, and turn up the radio. I get out of bed, pick up my Bible, and start writing how I feel in my journal. I call up a friend and make a trip to Starbucks to just be out of the house. But most of all, I just close my eyes and thank God for the beautiful story He is writing. Though I don't understand. Though it hurts. Though it feels like a mountain I will never be able to climb. I thank Him. I praise Him. Because...

He is good.

"Serve God, love me, and mend. This is not the end."

God was just making sure I was paying attention. I get it...He is absolutely and totally in charge of my life. As this semester comes to an end, I am having the realization that I am just months away from walking across that stage and no longer being a student. Wow.

Just weeks after that, I will stand on the next important stage of life and vow to spend the rest of my life with a wonderful man, in front of all of our friends and family. I am caught off guard by how God is so wonderfully and all-knowingly in control of every aspect of my life. I cannot believe He brought me to this wonderful man.

The way I know this is love, you ask? Joey challenges me every single day, and I him. God is using him to make me a more complete person. I don't believe God brought Joey into my life to complete me but to daily hold a mirror in front of my face and say, "Look at who you are. You are not an island. You actions affect those around you. You are held responsible to more than just yourself." Its such a beautiful/painful/amazing/awful/exhausting/worthwhile process. I can't run away from life. I can't drop out of college when it gets hard. I can't just quit. This isn't a pet or a childhood playmate. This is a forever bond.

As each day passes, Joey and I begin to realize what that means. I don't think one can really understand the realities of forever until it begins to fall into place. Of course I think about our wedding day, but I no longer day dream of that day. I day dream of eating dinner on the couch together after painfully long days at work. I day dream of trying to convince each other that "its your turn to wash the dishes!!" I day dream of the simple blessing of being less than 6 hours away from this wonderful man. Some mornings, when Joey calls to wake me up for class, I am caught of guard and I will say something silly such as, "Joey, in five months we are going to wake up and get ready for work together. And come home to the same place at the end of the day. That's crazy. I wish it were today."

There is no doubt in my mind that this beautiful relationship is a gift placed in my hands my God himself. He has loaned me his very unique loved one and asked me to care for him. He has asked me to worry more about his needs than my own. He has asked me to love him more than I love myself. Most of all, God has ask me to follow this man and trust that He will lead Joey in every step of the way. I can stand and say I love and trust God's will, but its when he asks me to put my future in the hands of a soldier that the rubber hits the road.

I hope and wish and pray and strive to be worthy of this. If I try every single day, I never will be. As God granted me the beautiful gift of salvation that I can never earn, God has given me another gift I couldn't have earned or been good enough to deserve. But God's grace is all-covering. He took two broken, unworthy people and said, "Love him/her. My grace covers all of your past flaws. I will be here. I will protect you. I will guide you. Don't follow your own path, but mine. I am holding you. This is the person to walk with through this life."

My prayer: I pray that we are a glimpse of God's love and grace into the lives of those who encounter us. I pray we learn to love each other more the way that Christ first loved us, while we were still sinners.

Mix it up...Life is short.

"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life ... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." -Thoreau

Today, I got a phone call from Joey with some interesting news. A change in our life plan is probably coming and it is really exciting. (Don't worry, we're still getting married.)

Our original plan:
Get married in May 2011. Live in Lawton and Joey continues to do the same job he is currently doing. I work as a florist, until June 2012 when Joey would re-up his contract and we would try to move to Germany for a little while.

The plan we started discussing today:
Get married in May 2011. Live in Lawton while Joey does the same job. (He was just presented with a possible opportunity to change his MOS, otherwise known as the exact job he does.) Then, we could move to San Antonio as soon as August/September for Joey's new AIT. His training would be 24ish weeks long, another blessing I will detail in a second. Also, after his training was complete, we would get to move somewhere else new!

Joey and I have been discussing him changing his MOS, but one thing that was difficult for us was idea of him going to AIT. In normal circumstances, a spouse can not move with a soldier when he leaves for AIT. The exception for the rule is if training is going to be more than 20 weeks. Since Joey would be in training for about 24 weeks, I would get to move with him, rather than staying in Lawton.

Before Joey and I started dating, I dreamed of graduating and getting to travel. I just want to meet new people and experience new things in life. When he got stationed in Lawton, we took it as a blessing that we would be so close to each other, but it was hard to accept that I would be living in Lawton for a year. I had big dreams. But we knew God was calling us to marriage and I knew He would be faithful. And look where He whispers, "I love you. I told you I would take care of you," just three months later.

I'm so thankful I have a wonderful fiance who includes me in these decisions. He doesn't have to. He could plan his career and duty station choices without asking me anything, but he is so amazing. I respect how hard he works everyday and it is amazing to see how diligently he works, regardless of the fact that this may not have been the exact job he would have chosen for himself. He works hard towards the future and leads confidently. I never thought life would lead me to spending my life with a soldier, but there is no where else in the world I would rather be.

Keep us in your prayers as we continue to plan and follow where God leads us.